Sometimes it's the little things that make life special!!

                                                                                                                                      As I reflect back on this Christmas I realize that it's the little things that made it feel so RIGHT to me.  I want to share those little things that mean so very much to me and maybe they mean a lot to you too.

About thirty years ago I started making the stockings pictured here  and have put them up every Christmas since.  Each of our children have their names on theirs but John's and mine are alike, because we are a couple, I wanted us to be out of the same stuff. (corny I know) With each year I have enjoyed stuffing these for my husband as well as for my children.  We continue to keep this tradition going each year.  I'm not sure who likes it more me or the kids.  My favorite part about this is when John stuffs mine.  He puts the most unique things in my stocking.  So this year I asked him how he decided to put different things in the stocking. Here's his explanation:

I have studied you and I know what you like!   I gave you some bright socks so you could have them for a conversation piece with your girls.  Because you are always losing your glasses I looked through about 50 pairs at the store to find just the right ones with the cuteness factor. 

I am always looking for paper clips so I knew we needed them.  And I picked out just the perfect jelly bellies that I knew you would like with soda fountain flavors and ice cream sundae flavors and popcorns. And then the all time favorite Twizzlers.

Well, he was right.  It brought a smile to my eyes to see that he went out of his way to find just the right things for my stocking. That meant more to me than even the gifts that he gave me (and I really like them).

Then I filled his stocking with things I thought he would like.  Of course it was filled with materials he would need for his latest adventure, but one thing I gave to him, I hope we can share.   "Love Me When I least deserve it because that is when I really need it".  I had to remember it even this morning, when I was not the kindest I should be to him.  I texted this quote to him and he said we should just say "remember the sign", or "where's your sign?"

It is the little things that we do that can hurt the most too.  The little words we say or just the insinuations or the tone of voice.  The little things build up and make the walls that cause relationships to grow apart.

The other little thing was what our kids did for me.  Jennifer our oldest made the cutest apron for me.  It means so very much to me, because as you see it is showing one of the bestest parts of watching our children grow up, they give me grandchildren.  I don't think it cost a lot but it was made out of love.  I love being a Mimi and I love that she and the other parents in our little group went to the trouble to put these precious hand and footprints where I can remember this is why I do so much of what I do.

And last of all is the time with family.  That those who could, would come and spend the time with us.  As they get older and have families of their own I know it is difficult to share the time with so many different people, especially when you are in a stepfamily situation.  So their time was precious.  My husband was very generous in sharing both my family and his family so that my mom and his parents could enjoy all the kids.  To have four generations of a family in one room together is very special.  John and I were blessed to share this time with so many generations.

As we look to the future, remember that it's the little things that matter, both good and bad.  We may not think they are important but they are.
See you next year.

Find Time and Have Fun Together AGAIN!!

I have just come off of one of the greatest trips that John and I have ever taken.  John knows how much I love Williamsburg and especially at Christmas time. We have been there at least fifteen times since we've been married.  For our twenty-second anniversary we packed our bags and headed up to Richmond, VA then drove over to Williamsburg, as my son-in-law, Beau,  calls it Colonial Fantasyland.

It was such a great get away doing all the things we love to do.  We were able to rekindle the excitement we have for each other.  We ate at our favorite restaurants,  went to our favorite sites and talked to some very interesting people.  We went to some great musical programs and even heard a wonderful 18th Century Sermon.  We love to learn and explore together.

We need to do this to get reacquainted again.  When you have kids, a job and church or whatever else you get into we can lose each other.  I see couples forget what it was like when they were dating.  When you can think about those times you will probably notice that you get some really warm feelings and you start feeling close again.  There is another way to feel close and that's to dream together.  What do you want to accomplish, see or do?  Share with each other.  When you share your feelings intimacy comes that makes the two of you a couple.

I'm sharing some pictures, but also hope to help you think about what do you two like to do together.  We went over all the things we like, such as history and talking with people, and even exploring new things.

In 2013, I hope you will take the time to know your husband or wife and make a strong effort to spend time just having fun, re-exploring what you used to enjoy.  I think it will bring a lot of warm memories.  When we stop having fun together why should we want to be together?  That's one of the reasons that I started the Dating My Spouse Program.  It's so easy to get busy doing LIFE that we forget to have fun. I needed to make an effort to forget LIFE and just enjoy.  We at Family Frameworks want to help you in any way that we can to develop the habit of spending time together.  We hope to provide ideas that are entertaining, creative and inexpensive.  You NEED it!

Try to do it without the kids for a change.  It's ok to enjoy something besides a movie and dinner.  Let's hear it from you.  What are the things you used to do that you really enjoyed doing together?  And What are some new things that you do to share time together.  Share them with us.  I hope to also give you some ideas in the next week about some creative things you can do to date and enjoy each other.  My message is simple, Find time and have fun together.

Here's to a GREAT Year in 2013

Who's important to you?

It's December 18 and only 7 more days until Christmas.  Busy-ness is filling the air.  I read this quote and it hit me how I'm neglecting what's important.  Where am I spending my time?  Can I leave my schedule behind?  This is a huge challenge for me.  

I don't have my cards out, I want to get my house cleaned thoroughly.  I need to run some errands and I need to get a couple more presents.  If I don't stay on schedule I won't get it done.  Then I get cross with those that I love so very much.  But, if they need me, I will drop everything for them. 

People often say to me, I didn't want to bother you, you are so busy.  I need to keep this quote posted, because life is about relationships not about getting things done. 

My husband and family so deserves for me to not look at my schedule.  I schedule time to focus on them, it's called vacation?   But to drop everything when they need me makes them feel loved and important to me.  

 My busy-ness was tested last week.  My employer was very kind in letting me drop my schedule for 2 days so I could be with my daughter and new grandson.  I dropped it all and tried to be available when she needed me.  Focusing on her and her needs right then was important. 

One of my favorite memories of my Dad was when I would call him during his busy schedule as a physician, he would ALWAYS take the time to answer my call.  I felt important when he did that.  Whenever we drop whatever we are doing and focus on a person, most always, they feel important.  Feeling important to people is important in relationships. When we feel important we feel loved.    

Let's drop our busy-ness and focus on those we love.  Make 'em feel important, because they are!! 

A Christmas candle is a lovely thing; it makes no noise at all, but softly gives itself away: while quite unselfish, it grows small. Eva K. Logue What's your motive?

I was reading this morning in Proverbs 16: 2, People may think all their ways are pure but motives are weighed by the Lord.  That struck me personally in thinking, what are my motives in giving and doing everything that I'm doing this season?  That's so hard.  We think that we have good motives in doing good for others, but do we really?  Where is our heart, and why are we really doing it?

In picking out gifts for different family and friends I find that I have different motives.  I think, oh she'll really like me if I get that, or that's just enough to satisfy the requirement of a gift, or is this enough for this person, maybe I should do more so I won't be thought of as a cheapskate.

It's so hard to know what our motives are.  I guess one way that we can look at our motives are to get an idea of that person's Love Language?  If they are one that values a gift they want to just know that you thought of them and went to the trouble of getting them a gift.  If they are one that values service, they think of the time you spent in getting or making the gift especially for them.  If it's a gift of time, then did you make the time with them, just giving them a gift won't give them the warm fuzzy feeling they want to be with you to open it and experience it with you.  Or is it the gift of words of affirmation, does it build them up and make them feel important, maybe they need a special card more than the gift or a gift that shows how special they are.  The main point is to give the gift in love.

But there may be some other motives, maybe you are trying to make a statement or showing you are doing your duty as a good wife or husband.  Why do you need to do that?   Are you feeling guilty in some way that you need to make up for all the bad points or things that you have done in the past?

Rather than self-evaluate, I think we need to keep our hearts in the right place.  We have to keep our relationship with our Savior  current and strong so that we can have the motives that are good.  I like the last part of the verse where it says "but motives are weighted by the Lord".  He will do it for us.  If we strive to have a relationship with him, I believe he will keep our motives straight.  We have to keep our eyes focused on him rather than others so that our motives are pure.  Even when we doubt our motives but we confess it to Him I believe that He will work it for good if we really love Him.

I hope this Christmas your eyes are on Him rather than trying to please everyone else.  God is love and he will fill us with love and love gives love.

What's the price of Christmas?

Christmas is closer and I'm seeing more people in the malls.  It was interesting, last week, I heard a broadcaster say that right now the number of people that are shopping is lower but there will be a big jump this next week because of black Friday.  

It's so very tempting to get all wrapped up into buying the gifts.  We try to find the one that is going to be perfect so that we can make the best impression.   But how many can remember what they got for Christmas 2 years ago.   The value of giving the gifts is to listen and give from your heart.  I don't believe that is always BIG.  Finding the perfect quote or song can be quite impressive to some.  Others it is just the act of trying to find the perfect gift.  

When we keep this in mind we can relax and enjoy.  Listen to those that you love and hear what's most important.  Is it just time with them, or is it that they want to feel important to you?  Feeling important is knowing you are top on their list.  Is your husband/wife tops?  Or is it somebody else.  Listen.  What is your spouse trying to tell you? 

Are you both on the same page?  Do you have different values?  Have you talked about it?  Do you have a budget?  What's reasonable?  Once again,  communication is the key.  Enjoy a date and talk about this BEFORE you shop more.  You might think you need this or that and come next month you might regret it.  Think before you purchase.  Have a plan and stick with it.  It's ok to spend less, especially if one of you is more uncomfortable with it.  But it's up to the two of you not your mom, kids or anyone else.  You talk it out and decide.   Your marriage and Your family is the most important thing.  Good luck, and don't feel guilty either way.  

Take the marriage stress test to see how you're doing.

Playing Tug of War at Holiday Time

I will not play tug o' war. I'd rather play hug o' war. Where everyone hugs instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses, and everyone grins, and everyone cuddles, and everyone wins Shel Silverstein quotes  

Our oldest daughter has decided for the past several years that she and her family cannot come back for Christmas.  We would love for it to be different but we also understand that she and her husband are making decisions for their family and what they think is best for them.   We must honor and respect that.  We are all trying to figure out a way as a family to do our time together in a way that works out for everyone.  But how do you do that when there is so much emotion and so many different people to consider.  "Grandpa is getting older and might not be there next year".  "The kids want to have their time to play with the toys".  "We want to spend time just as a family".  "We want to start our own traditions"  Sound familiar?

Each family becomes a unique entity.  There are things that must be considered on her side and his side.  The best way I know to figure this out is to TALK about it.  You both must  have enter into the conversation and bring up your thoughts, concerns and your desires on the different points of the decision.    Only when everything is out on the table can a decision be made.

There is no sense in assuming that the other person should know how you feel about the situation, because they don't.  They are not you, they don't have the same history as you do and don't have the same exact emotions that you have.

Emotions can be pretty intense when you get into these talks so set the ground rules.  Give each other respect.  Let one person explain while the other listens and actually states the emotions that are rising from the talk that is going on.  Don't interrupt and stop if the feelings get too intense.  Listen with an open mind.  Remember, you are allies not enemies.

Once you have everything out and on the table show respect to each other by trying to put yourself in their shoes to understand why they want to do it that way.  Know the stories and the background, that helps to give you the empathy to be able to understand your partner so much better.

Going into this season when you feel tugged here and tugged there, my first advice is to listen and show empathy,  listen and find out why your spouse your family your children, want to do something a certain way.  Go into it with an open mind.  Looking for the good in it rather than thinking that they are trying to just get their way or that they are trying to hurt you, look at what they are REALLY thinking. But then don't be afraid to share your thoughts, concerns and desires.  When you do this you are more open to new ideas and solutions.  The tug is softer and the compromises are much easier.

This sounds simplistic, but most of the time when you are in the middle of it all doing the above is the hardest thing you have ever done. We have listed some resources either books, counselors or websites that might be helpful for you.

Don't you love this quote?  When we get ready for the Christmas season, the warm fuzzy feeling comes from the family and the memories we have made.  Do you remember back when your grandparents would come and you would be so excited?  I remember those times and I loved it.  Grandparents can love unconditionally.  I love the reaction we get with our grandbabies.  My favorite visual is our oldest granddaughter running down the sidewalk with her arms open wide as she ran to Grandy to pick her up and hug her.  As I am becoming a new "Mimi" again (my name for Grandma) I hope that my grandchildren will have warm fuzzy feelings about Grandy and Mimi.  

Unfortunately there is a trend where two grandparents are not together.  My generation chose to go through many divorces and some people have chosen to have babies outside of marriage.  Some people might say that it makes more love for the baby  But when grandparents break up or are with other marriage partners there is awkwardness.  Who's house do we go to this time?  Who is going to get their feelings hurt this year?  Grandma and Grandpa just go together, like salt and pepper, Batman and Robin, ice cream and cake.  You get the picture.  

There is also the trend that when two people do not grow old together there is no one to take care of them when they are "old".   Many time's there is resentment from the children and they don't feel the obligation to take care of their parent.  They may not live close because they had chosen to move away after the divorce to help with the hurt they experienced. 

When Grandma and Grandpa grow old together there is longer life.  I think it's the oxytocin (one of my favorite hormones).  But there is evidence that men that stay with their original marriage partner have a 10 year longer life span than those that don't.  Sorry women we only live 3 years longer.  But men, be thankful, when you grow old with the woman of your youth, she will nag you to take care of yourself.  She will make sure you are eating correctly.  She will not be afraid to tell you that you need to exercise and lose weight.  

Length of time matters.  Just think about those who know you the longest, they know you the best! They know your likes and dislikes.  They know when to intervene and tell you "you're screwing up" but they also know when you need some encouragement.  They know when to give you a hug and when to let you have your space.  Knowing someone a long time is comfortable.  After all did you say for better for worse, for richer for poorer as long as we both shall live?  

How did they stay together?  They chose to stick out the tough times.  They chose to stay in the relationship when it was hard.  They weren't always perfect in their communication skills but they chose to keep working on it.  They chose to remain with each other.  Choosing is the key.  

Well, the moral of the story is, "Grow old along with me the best is yet to be".   How long have you made it last?  What's the number of years you look forward to?  I keep looking to that magic 50.  That is the GOLDEN year right? 

Some stresses to consider during the holidays

As I am preparing for the holidays one of the stresses that I feel is how are we going to get together with the families.  It's really kind of tricky to plan times with my mom his mom & dad and our kids.  Some of this will depend on traditions, and some will depend on time frames and availability.

My son and I were talking last night and I really appreciate how he took into consideration her family and ours showed sensitivity to everyone's needs.  They decided to spend Christmas this year (their first) with her family.  He knew that his four other siblings that could make it would be meeting with us on the 28th so a no-brainer, but had also spent Thanksgiving with her parents.  His rationale was to put everything on the right schedule for the following years, but he wanted me to know that was his plan.  I really appreciated that he was so willing to communicate that with me and not just let it be assumed, or expect his wife to do the communicating.

Many times in-laws can become jealous about time their married children spend with other parents.  We have to change our expectations a bit and realize that they need to start making their own traditions and they have a lot of people they must consider just as we do.   We hope to be included.  I must say that my husband is especially good about this and not giving the kids the guilt trip.  Both the parents and the children must learn to either set their expectations a bit differently or set their boundaries on how things will be handled.  In the big picture does it really matter which day, it's mostly about spending time with them.  But that's my thoughts, and you might have rationale that might be a bit different for what works for your family.

I recently read an article about in-laws and their role with married couples.  Thought this was interesting, when men have a good relationship with the wife's parents it helps the marriage.  When women have a strong tie with her husband's parents in the beginning it can lead to a higher chance of divorce.  According to the study done by Dr. Terri Orbuch, and psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research,  women can feel threatened or are more sensitive to meddling by the in-laws than men and this can cause some strong feelings in the marriage.  I don't think this means that you are not to have a relationship with your husband's family but I do believe it will be a little more distant.

I've noticed in my own relationship with my daughter-in-laws and son-in-laws that it's important to love them, but not be buddies with them.  I think similar to how we are to be mom's and dad's and not best friends with our children.  A fine line we must walk in these relationships.  I dearly love my children's spouses and appreciate each one for the strengths they bring to our children.  But through time I'm also realizing my place as an in-law and giving the space that each couple needs.  (Not perfectly by any means)

Another thing I have found in these relationships is that the spouse and their parent are the ones to bring up any questions or conflicts not your partner.  When we let that happen and we sit back their can be GREAT problems.  The one spouse cannot fight the other's battles.  Be empathetic and supportive, in the end it's their parents and they know the dynamics of the family too well.  When there is outspokenness by the non-related spouse the related spouse can develop resentment toward the spouse rather than toward the extended family.  In other words, each partner must do the communication and the standing up to or for their extended families.  All of that is hard to understand, but it's important to put this into effect due to the resentments that can unnecessarily build between families.

Another important point is, your spouse's parents don't want to hear about the negative things going on in the marriage, they don't need to know the details, even though we think they should.  That needs to be between you and your spouse.  We don't need to be saying negative things about either.  It is also necessary that we as in-laws observe and support but don't interfere.  Encourage them to work out their problems and discourage them from sharing negative thoughts about their partners.

Oh how hard all of this is. But if we can walk these fine lines we will have some conflict, we can't avoid all of it, but we can learn how to deal with it in a healthy way.  I think of the bottom-line as how would I want to be treated? and am I dealing with this in LOVE.  The basis for all relationships must be a deep love.

In summary:
1.  Don't expect everything to remain the same as when your kids were growing up, expect changes.
2.  Set your boundaries, what can you do or not do and stick with it but not resentfully.
3.  Don't expect your spouse to fight the battles with your family,  leave him/her out of it and you deal with your family he/she deals with their family.
4.  Be positive and supportive about everyone.  If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
5.  Deal with the differences respectfully.
6.  Be flexible.

If you would like to read the article on in-laws click here

Check out our website. New Dating My Spouse Cards on sale right now!!!

Hope this is helpful.  Enjoy your holiday season.
Kathy

Making Traditions that last

Traditions are so very important to families.  They make the family unique and memorable.  I think about my own traditions in my family as I was growing up.   One was very simple where we took a family picture that was very creative, my favorite was Mommy Kissing Santa Clause as we all peaked around the corner, four stair-step little girls in matching pajamas and one year where we had our matching nighties and pulling Santa out of the fireplace.  We opened gifts on Christmas morning and my mother laid out gifts like Santa had come.  When I think of those memories they make me smile and I feel all warm inside.  

Since I have been an adult and grown I started my own traditions with my family, such as buying a Christmas ornament every year for each child then saving them for when they married so that they could put on their trees.  We had stockings with their names on them, and I followed my mother's tradition by laying out the stockings and Santa gifts.  

After I remarried and had step children we had to start things a little differently.  We had to be more flexible about when and how we would celebrate because my children had to leave on Christmas at noon and my husband's children were here on Christmas every other year. When we married we had to figure out which traditions we would keep and which we would not.  When would we celebrate with his family vs. my family?  How could we get all the family together after they were grown? We first started by sharing our own traditions with each other, such as now I give all five (his 3 and my 2) a new ornament each year.  He started giving a DADDY gift to every child at that time too.  My in-laws started their tradition of visiting their children's home when it was convenient for each child rather than expecting them to come on one specific day.  Sometimes they would come Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or some other day.  There was flexibility but there was a tradition.  We tended to go to my family right after breakfast or close to noon so that we could eat brunch together.  But we would always celebrate on the DAY of Christmas.  We didn't always have the children when we would celebrate.  But we made it work and we set our traditions.  

Now with grandchildren we have started even more new traditions.  We have three granddaughters and all five children are married and in their own homes, so we had to transition and get creative to start more new traditions.  I now have just started the 12 Days of Christmas with the grandchildren, so that they get a little present every day for 12 days leading to Christmas.  Another tradition I started since our children all are married is that we had stockings made with their names embroidered of the two spouses.  They bring those to our home on whatever day that we will be celebrating Christmas and I fill with fun stocking stuffers and my husband still gives the DADDY-gift.  

What we learned from all this is, Traditions are important to make memories, we can laugh about the different ornaments or the stocking stuffers.  We remember when we were at this house or when Grammie and Grampie came.  But we had to be flexible enough to know when to tweak our traditions so that they could continue maybe not quite in the same way but create some new memories.  

Don't be afraid to start a new tradition,  Start, see if it works and if it's fun and go from there.  

Now, what are some of your fun traditions that you remember growing up or how have you been flexible in tweaking your traditions?  Please post so we can share with others. Share a picture or 2 too.  Would you also pass this blog along, it might be helpful in some small way for someone you know.  More on Friday.  

Kathy

Let's get started!!

A dream is coming true.  Starting the blog and talking about all the things that are important to keeping families together.  We hope you will find some useful information that will inspire you to keep your marriage strong.

First of all what are we about?  We are about keeping the families together from the start.  When I think about our name I think about a builder and how he puts a house together.  He first has a blueprint of what he wants to build.  How many people don't even think about what kind of marriage they want?  Most will just say they want a happy marriage.   That's the premarital counseling portion.  If you are getting married, don't leave the blueprint out,  it's going to be much harder to build the marriage.

Then there is the gathering of the materials.  That's what we do in a marriage, we gather the materials that make our home unique to us.  Our values, traditions, our family members.  Let's make those strong and sound.  If there is a weakness in the materials that we build or we don't know how to build traditions, we don't have strong values and are constantly changing our minds.  Then the family framework is going to be weak.  Build it strong, determine your values, build on your traditions and teach your children well.

Then last,  the necessity of maintenance after a home is built.  You have to do the maintenance or the house rots, the framework becomes weak.   You have to do the maintenance to keep a strong family.  Date nights, just like cleaning keeps the house strong and well taken care of.  Self-nurturing for both husband and wife, do things that make you stronger such as accountability groups, The yearly marriage retreat or get away for just the two of you.

All of these make for the strong framework of the family.  I hope to talk about a lot of different things that can build this for you.  I believe we  ALL want happy healthy marriages.  When we have healthy marriages our families are strong and when our community has strong families, there is a thriving community.  Hope you'll come back and join me again.  The Family Framework Blog