Some stresses to consider during the holidays

As I am preparing for the holidays one of the stresses that I feel is how are we going to get together with the families.  It's really kind of tricky to plan times with my mom his mom & dad and our kids.  Some of this will depend on traditions, and some will depend on time frames and availability.

My son and I were talking last night and I really appreciate how he took into consideration her family and ours showed sensitivity to everyone's needs.  They decided to spend Christmas this year (their first) with her family.  He knew that his four other siblings that could make it would be meeting with us on the 28th so a no-brainer, but had also spent Thanksgiving with her parents.  His rationale was to put everything on the right schedule for the following years, but he wanted me to know that was his plan.  I really appreciated that he was so willing to communicate that with me and not just let it be assumed, or expect his wife to do the communicating.

Many times in-laws can become jealous about time their married children spend with other parents.  We have to change our expectations a bit and realize that they need to start making their own traditions and they have a lot of people they must consider just as we do.   We hope to be included.  I must say that my husband is especially good about this and not giving the kids the guilt trip.  Both the parents and the children must learn to either set their expectations a bit differently or set their boundaries on how things will be handled.  In the big picture does it really matter which day, it's mostly about spending time with them.  But that's my thoughts, and you might have rationale that might be a bit different for what works for your family.

I recently read an article about in-laws and their role with married couples.  Thought this was interesting, when men have a good relationship with the wife's parents it helps the marriage.  When women have a strong tie with her husband's parents in the beginning it can lead to a higher chance of divorce.  According to the study done by Dr. Terri Orbuch, and psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research,  women can feel threatened or are more sensitive to meddling by the in-laws than men and this can cause some strong feelings in the marriage.  I don't think this means that you are not to have a relationship with your husband's family but I do believe it will be a little more distant.

I've noticed in my own relationship with my daughter-in-laws and son-in-laws that it's important to love them, but not be buddies with them.  I think similar to how we are to be mom's and dad's and not best friends with our children.  A fine line we must walk in these relationships.  I dearly love my children's spouses and appreciate each one for the strengths they bring to our children.  But through time I'm also realizing my place as an in-law and giving the space that each couple needs.  (Not perfectly by any means)

Another thing I have found in these relationships is that the spouse and their parent are the ones to bring up any questions or conflicts not your partner.  When we let that happen and we sit back their can be GREAT problems.  The one spouse cannot fight the other's battles.  Be empathetic and supportive, in the end it's their parents and they know the dynamics of the family too well.  When there is outspokenness by the non-related spouse the related spouse can develop resentment toward the spouse rather than toward the extended family.  In other words, each partner must do the communication and the standing up to or for their extended families.  All of that is hard to understand, but it's important to put this into effect due to the resentments that can unnecessarily build between families.

Another important point is, your spouse's parents don't want to hear about the negative things going on in the marriage, they don't need to know the details, even though we think they should.  That needs to be between you and your spouse.  We don't need to be saying negative things about either.  It is also necessary that we as in-laws observe and support but don't interfere.  Encourage them to work out their problems and discourage them from sharing negative thoughts about their partners.

Oh how hard all of this is. But if we can walk these fine lines we will have some conflict, we can't avoid all of it, but we can learn how to deal with it in a healthy way.  I think of the bottom-line as how would I want to be treated? and am I dealing with this in LOVE.  The basis for all relationships must be a deep love.

In summary:
1.  Don't expect everything to remain the same as when your kids were growing up, expect changes.
2.  Set your boundaries, what can you do or not do and stick with it but not resentfully.
3.  Don't expect your spouse to fight the battles with your family,  leave him/her out of it and you deal with your family he/she deals with their family.
4.  Be positive and supportive about everyone.  If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
5.  Deal with the differences respectfully.
6.  Be flexible.

If you would like to read the article on in-laws click here

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Hope this is helpful.  Enjoy your holiday season.
Kathy

Making Traditions that last

Traditions are so very important to families.  They make the family unique and memorable.  I think about my own traditions in my family as I was growing up.   One was very simple where we took a family picture that was very creative, my favorite was Mommy Kissing Santa Clause as we all peaked around the corner, four stair-step little girls in matching pajamas and one year where we had our matching nighties and pulling Santa out of the fireplace.  We opened gifts on Christmas morning and my mother laid out gifts like Santa had come.  When I think of those memories they make me smile and I feel all warm inside.  

Since I have been an adult and grown I started my own traditions with my family, such as buying a Christmas ornament every year for each child then saving them for when they married so that they could put on their trees.  We had stockings with their names on them, and I followed my mother's tradition by laying out the stockings and Santa gifts.  

After I remarried and had step children we had to start things a little differently.  We had to be more flexible about when and how we would celebrate because my children had to leave on Christmas at noon and my husband's children were here on Christmas every other year. When we married we had to figure out which traditions we would keep and which we would not.  When would we celebrate with his family vs. my family?  How could we get all the family together after they were grown? We first started by sharing our own traditions with each other, such as now I give all five (his 3 and my 2) a new ornament each year.  He started giving a DADDY gift to every child at that time too.  My in-laws started their tradition of visiting their children's home when it was convenient for each child rather than expecting them to come on one specific day.  Sometimes they would come Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or some other day.  There was flexibility but there was a tradition.  We tended to go to my family right after breakfast or close to noon so that we could eat brunch together.  But we would always celebrate on the DAY of Christmas.  We didn't always have the children when we would celebrate.  But we made it work and we set our traditions.  

Now with grandchildren we have started even more new traditions.  We have three granddaughters and all five children are married and in their own homes, so we had to transition and get creative to start more new traditions.  I now have just started the 12 Days of Christmas with the grandchildren, so that they get a little present every day for 12 days leading to Christmas.  Another tradition I started since our children all are married is that we had stockings made with their names embroidered of the two spouses.  They bring those to our home on whatever day that we will be celebrating Christmas and I fill with fun stocking stuffers and my husband still gives the DADDY-gift.  

What we learned from all this is, Traditions are important to make memories, we can laugh about the different ornaments or the stocking stuffers.  We remember when we were at this house or when Grammie and Grampie came.  But we had to be flexible enough to know when to tweak our traditions so that they could continue maybe not quite in the same way but create some new memories.  

Don't be afraid to start a new tradition,  Start, see if it works and if it's fun and go from there.  

Now, what are some of your fun traditions that you remember growing up or how have you been flexible in tweaking your traditions?  Please post so we can share with others. Share a picture or 2 too.  Would you also pass this blog along, it might be helpful in some small way for someone you know.  More on Friday.  

Kathy

Let's get started!!

A dream is coming true.  Starting the blog and talking about all the things that are important to keeping families together.  We hope you will find some useful information that will inspire you to keep your marriage strong.

First of all what are we about?  We are about keeping the families together from the start.  When I think about our name I think about a builder and how he puts a house together.  He first has a blueprint of what he wants to build.  How many people don't even think about what kind of marriage they want?  Most will just say they want a happy marriage.   That's the premarital counseling portion.  If you are getting married, don't leave the blueprint out,  it's going to be much harder to build the marriage.

Then there is the gathering of the materials.  That's what we do in a marriage, we gather the materials that make our home unique to us.  Our values, traditions, our family members.  Let's make those strong and sound.  If there is a weakness in the materials that we build or we don't know how to build traditions, we don't have strong values and are constantly changing our minds.  Then the family framework is going to be weak.  Build it strong, determine your values, build on your traditions and teach your children well.

Then last,  the necessity of maintenance after a home is built.  You have to do the maintenance or the house rots, the framework becomes weak.   You have to do the maintenance to keep a strong family.  Date nights, just like cleaning keeps the house strong and well taken care of.  Self-nurturing for both husband and wife, do things that make you stronger such as accountability groups, The yearly marriage retreat or get away for just the two of you.

All of these make for the strong framework of the family.  I hope to talk about a lot of different things that can build this for you.  I believe we  ALL want happy healthy marriages.  When we have healthy marriages our families are strong and when our community has strong families, there is a thriving community.  Hope you'll come back and join me again.  The Family Framework Blog