There's nothing like a beautiful Bride and Groom!!

Yesterday I was saddened and a bit hurt that someone did not want me to use their wedding picture on my blog.  And I respect that, but I was not expecting to hear that.  So I got an idea let me just put it out there to ask my friends on Facebook for their wedding pictures.  I was overwhelmed with a positive response.  I had pictures from this summer to fifty years ago.  All with positives about sure show people my pictures.  Which I'm thrilled to do!!

But the most amazing part of this process was a little serendipity that happened.  Over and over people posted their pictures on my wall which would show up for others to see.  I had some wondering what I was doing and others just commenting on their friends wedding pictures.  Then I thought, that's wonderful,  there are such positive warm memories that are brought back when we look at our wedding pictures or others.  People would reinforce to a couple how beautiful they were or boy look how far you come.  Others would literally look and see that wow, we have come a long way and we have made it this far we can keep going.

When you look back, and myself included,  don't you think about the time between then and now.  You think about the warm feelings and butterflies when you dated.  Some of the dumb things you chose to do, but you still made it 30 years.  Or boy, there have been some rough patches, but we made it through those, I know we can make it through some more.

I was  talking to a sweet friend that asked me this morning if this was just for those who take my classes.  No,  I just want to see happy wedding pictures.  Then she shared with me that I was the only one that encouraged her when things got tough in her marriage.  Of course that touched me, but more than that it reinforced to me what I have seen, we need to encourage others that they can make it rather than to leave.  Our world wants to say that there is emotional abuse or co-dependence in marriage relationships.  Nope, there's not, nobody does it perfect and we gotta keep going and learning how to make it work.  If you don't stay in the marriage you won't figure it out.

These are so eclectic and beautiful.  Everyone has their own twist to their marriage just as to the wedding.  We can't look at someone else's marriage and say I want mine to be just like that.  It doesn't work.  We have to work on our own and do the very best that we can.  But isn't it a joy to see so many beautiful pictures.  Thank you to all who have given me their pictures.  I will probably do this again because of such a wonderful response.

I read somewhere that when you are struggling in your marriage it is good to look back at old pictures of when you were happy and when you felt "in love".  That helps to bring those feelings back and you say "I think I can do this, I promised forever".  I encourage you to pull out the old pix and get the warm feelings refreshed.  Maybe do that as a date night.   Just smile and enjoy,  you never know what might happen next.  :-)

Wedding Stresses Happen!! Why?

This past week I had a most delightful evening with one of  friends.  One of our topics of conversations was her daughter's wedding which is looming in the near future.  She made the comment that her daughter has gotten to the place where she's ready to have the wedding over with!  Stress has hit.   This is "HER" day, but there have been some things that come up that make it not all about her, unfortunately.  My husband and I have experienced five out of five of our children's weddings.  All had some stress, the girls a little more than the boys, but either way there was stress.

I have had the wonderful opportunity to meet a very creative person that realized that Stresses happen in a wedding.  She and her dad (who is a marriage and family therapist) have seen how weddings can either bring out the best or worse in people.  Elizabeth Doherty Thomas and her father, Bill Doherty, have teamed up to write a great book "Take Back Your Wedding".  In this book she talks about the stresses and usually the stresses are about people.  Relationships can be stressful.   

One of the most important points that she makes in the book, is that once you are engaged, "it" is no longer all about you or the two of you.  You are now somebody's daughter-in-law or son.  You must include everyone else.  I think a myth that has been encouraged in our society right now is that the wedding is "THEIR" day.   Let me just say, that yes it is and it is a very special day for the two of them, but there are many people that care about you and want to be there with you on your wedding day.  They will be effected by your union.  My friend made a very good point when she told her daughter that had become very good friends with a girl that had a child that she loved dearly, "Would you want to be included when this child grows up and marries?"  That helped her realize how others might feel that are excluded.

We all want to feel important and we all want to feel included.  Empathy helps to bring reality to a situation.   When we truly have empathy, we can see the perspective from another's point of view.  No, you can't make everyone happy, but you have to at least try to put yourself in their shoes and see their viewpoint.  Then you can approach the problem in a softer manner.

I encourage all new brides to get Elizabeth's book or at least go to her website. I believe you will find the most help right there for the stresses of your wedding.  You want to look back and think of how beautiful it all is and that you felt loved, not resented during your wedding.  Good luck!! :) Elizabeth's website is full of great ideas and downloads to help.

Real People share their stories about keeping the marriage strong.

I want to encourage young couples in their marriages. But you might be looking at me and I'm from another generation and say she doesn't know how it works today.  Well, n the next few weeks I hope to add some thoughts from our board members and how they keep their marriages strong.  Sometimes just seeing someone else's story can give you hope.  These are real people, with real lives and stories.  Mollie Surratt has just recently joined our board.  She has a strong heart for marriage.   Some of you may have seen her with her Mom Lori who is the star of "Say Yes to the Dress".  It may seem like their family is about the wedding, but I have seen their heart and it's more about the family and getting it started strong.  Thank you Mollie and Jason for sharing your story.  

Mollie and Jason were married on October 4, 2008. It was a beautiful fall wedding with over 250 family and friends! Each year, they really focus on setting aside time to celebrate their anniversary. The couple watches their wedding video, flips through the wedding album and talks about favorite memories from the day. Also, the couple tries to revisit their wedding reception venue every year to have dinner and spend the night. Whether your wedding was big or small, it's important to remember the vow you made on that special day and recommit year after year. Through the craziness of everyday life with work, children and pets, Mollie and Jason feel this annual ritual reminds them of how happy and in love they felt that day and how blessed they are to be together now.  

Check out our website www.marriageisforever.org and learn more about us and what we are doing in Dalton, Chatsworth and Calhoun.  It's the little things that make a difference.  Let's make a difference.

Marriage is Important for OUR Country!!

This past year I personally have experienced the weddings of two of our children.  The newness is still there for both of them.  It's still a beginning for many that were married in 2012.  I looked up the statistics for the most popular months to get married and to my surprise, June is no longer the most popular month, July and August have taken the lead for weddings then June.  Right now many are planning their weddings.   The excitement of the event is usually the main topic rather than the lastingness of the event.  The wedding takes up 3-4 hours of one's life, but the marriage takes of the rest of their life.  Many brides get so enthralled with all the details, spending thousands of dollars for the perfect wedding, but they have not prepared themselves at all for the marriage.

"Marriage is just supposed to happen".   "If it doesn't work, then we can get divorced."   I also hear frequently, we don't have enough money right now so we are just going to live together.  Unfortunately all these thoughts have normalized cohabitation.   Ten to fifteen years ago we still considered living together as shacking up and an immoral thing to do.  Now it's so common we just accept it.

Unfortunately we are seeing the consequence of this attitude in the next generations that have appeared.  In "The State of the Union" report from the Institute for American Values and the National Marriage Project they report that now the norm for our middle-class is 44% of our children are born outside of marriage.  This is up 13% from the 1980's.  We have studied this enough to know that when children are raised in a single-parent home there are many side effects that effect the children.  Such as they struggle in school, they struggle with relationships, they have more incidences of delinquency and they struggle economically.

Right now our country is struggling with the economy.   Our Government does not mention one of the biggest problems that effects our need for taxes that could be easily reconciled, marriage rather than cohabitation.  A study was done by the Institute for American Values that showed if we could decrease the percentage of children NOT raised by their married biological parents by just 1% we would save $1.1 billion annually.   When two biological parents raise children there is less need for repeating grades, medical bills and counseling costs.

When do we affect this?  I believe it is before the marriage starts.  We know that Premarital Counseling helps those that prepare for marriage know what areas they will need to work on.   They can go into the marriage with their eyes open not expecting things to always be perfect.  So many think they are supposed to have Hollywood marriages or what we see and when it's not they break up.

The Institute for American Values has come up with some ideas that the government can do to help this situation such as:

• Eliminate marriage penalties and disincentives for the poor, for unwed mothers, and for older Americans., including lesser-known disincentives present in current Medicaid and Social Security policies. 
• Triple the child tax credit to shore up the economic foundations of family life in Middle America
• Help young men to become more marriageable and better husbands and fathers with job apprenticeship programs championed by report co-author Robert I Lerman of the Urban Institute, military programs like the Strong Bonds Program, and prison programs like Within My Reach. 
• Enact the Second Chances Act to prevent unnecessary divorce.  (Designed by the Institute for American Values)
• Provide marriage education for newly forming stepfamilies since their rate of divorce is even higher. 
• Invest in and evaluate marriage and relationship education programs, especially those that target at-risk individuals and couples.  Our organization as well as Compassion House here in Dalton provide these types of programs. 
• Engage Hollywood, much as the anti-smoking movement did, to help shape positive American attitudes toward marriage and parenting.  Right now the majority of sex on TV and in movies is shown between unmarried couples. 
• Launch social media campaigns about the facts and fun of marriage, perhaps led by the U.S. Surgeon General.  Such as our Dating My Spouse program and Date Night Dalton. 
• Model how to talk about shared marriage values from a variety of perspectives.  

All of the above can help.  Here at Family Frameworks we are trying to model the above in our community, area and state.  We are persevering and we are seeing a change being made.  I still believe in the importance of marriage and want to share that with the next generations coming up.  We must all do that before marriage is a lost institution.  MARRIAGE IS IMPORTANT!!! for all of us, but especially the next generations.  Help spread the word.  

Evaluate a Relationship before you get too deep not after it's too late.

January 4, and new things are happening.  Some will be starting a new relationship with someone, whether it's a girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever, there are things that need to be evaluated to determine if this is good or not so good for you.   You want this to be YOUR YEAR right?

A friend within the marriage movement, Dr. John Van Epp, has studied extensively in the area of the Relationship Attachment Model. When I first heard him explaining it, I was amazed at how practical this information was for me personally but also for many out there that are forming relationships.

If I may, I would like to refer you to his website,  http://www.lovethinks.com/ so that you can explore it further.  You might want to invest in his book, I think it's one of the most practical ones out there to prevent bad relationships from the start.  Here is a brief and basic description of what this theory is all about:

There are five areas that are basic for a healthy relationship to form.  The first area is just getting to know someone.  If you don't know someone you really don't have a relationship with them, right.  But how long does it take to get to KNOW someone?  According to John,  this usually takes 3-6 months.   You Really need to know someone before you trust them.   To have a good trust in someone it usually takes at least 3 months,  and then another 3 months to rely on that person.  If this is a healthy relationship you will then start committing to this person such as they are the only one that you are with, engagement then possibly marriage, then when there is a healthy level of commitment,  the sexual involvement begins to grow stronger. So the various levels rise slowly in slightly a stair step fashion when you develop that "Healthy" relationship in which there is less likelihood of harm.  

I want to talk about just getting to know someone.  As I was teaching this to some 17-20 year olds I had a young boy ask me how long does it take to get to know someone before getting sexually involved.  I told him my standard answer as in above and he shared that he had gotten to KNOW his girlfriend in one day.  He might have thought that, but can you really know someone in one day?  (I think he was trying to test me).  I have had times that I have spent a two hour plane flight with someone and they have shared their story and felt like I really knew them.  I jokingly say "I've just met my new BEST Friend".   You can share a lot with a person on a plane ride, especially when someone appears interested.  But to really know someone you need to know them in all kinds of situations and circumstances.  What are they like when they are by themselves?  What are they like around you're family, how about their family, and friends?  What about on the job with others?  If you can experience a lot of different situations with that person you have a clearer understanding of who they really are.

But, the problem is, many times we don't want to judge.  We want to look at things with rose colored glasses.  We have been conditioned to believe that this kind of judging is wrong.  I just heard Dave Ramsey say,  "I am told in the Bible to JUDGE".  This would be discernment.  Would you go around telling others what a rotten person they are?  No, that's gossiping.  Keeping your eyes open to determine if "that's the person they say they are".   I am very careful to choose my friends,  if I know that they have not been trustworthy in the past, I will be an acquaintance, but I won't share the deep secrets of my heart with them.  If I know that they have a record of poor relationship choices, I don't choose to reject them, but I do choose to be very cautious leaving my guard up when I'm with them.   That is not really a concept that is taught today.  We have been lead to believe that we are judging in these situations and we have been told that is wrong.  But is it?

One of my favorite writers is Malcolm Gladwell.  One of the books he wrote Blink talks about when we have had an experience that has been negative or positive in the past, our brain registers this and we tend to judge situations by our past experiences.  I believe that God has put this into our brains to help protect us.  We learn from past experiences.  But if those past experiences have not been placed there or have not been taught, there is a great chance that a person will make some risky choices.  We girls have this ability called "women's intuition" that is part of this.  But this part of our brain helps us by putting up red flags or feelings that should make us question.

IF  that ability is not there, then you need to listen to others.  What I tell my kids, you need to listen to those that REALLY love you more than anyone else, i.e. family and sometimes friends, who have proven they are there for you no matter what.   If they are telling you don't hang out with that person, open your ears and listen.  They are probably trying to help you.

Getting to know anyone is just the first step in new relationships.  I'll continue more of this later.  Hope I didn't overwhelm you by this information.  I just know how helpful it is to so many people and really wanted to share.
Blessings
Kathy

Puttin' the past away

  

It's January 1, 2013 and the New Year has started.  Watching the Bowl games, eating the black eyed peas and greens and taking down the Christmas tree.  As I took down my tree today I had the best time with the ornaments that I had put up just 3-4 weeks earlier.  I wanted to share some of those stories with you, because each of my ornaments usually has a story and it's special because of the relationship I share with someone.  The ornament just brings back those memories.

I'm very meticulous how I put my ornaments away each year.  These are some of my prized ones.  The ones on the couch that are needlepoint, were made for me by my sweet great aunt in 1978 for my first wedding gift.  I showed her that I had kept them for twenty years and she laughed thinking they were not very much.  I think about the time she put into them, and that she cared enough to do that for me.  She is long gone now, so I definitely treasure them and think of her every Christmas.

When my first marriage was strong, I had two little dogs that I loved so much Frankie and Baron, they were like my babies.  When my first husband left me and I had two small children, I had lost Frankie and one day as I was driving down the road I saw a little dog that looked just like Frankie.  I picked her up and took her home, tried to find the owner but to no avail.  It was kind of like we found each other.  She was great comfort to me when I went through the trials.  Family pets are so much a part of the dynamics of the family and add wonderful memories.  

Such as Hoss, who was my son's dog.   He got him for his tenth birthday from one of his best friends' dogs' litter.  He was such a neat dog that was so easy to be around.  We lost him this year.  Trevor puts this one up and remembers that little fluffy dog.  We all miss him and look for him to come into the den to sit on our lap.  Now John and I will wait to see what dog will come into our life like Schoeny did and Frankie, and Baron and Hoss.  You just know when a dog is right.  

Years ago when I was still in California working on the Pediatric Oncology unit, supporting my first husband and myself, my dad came to visit.  I remember taking him back to the airport and we had a little extra time so he went into the stores with me.  I saw this little ornament and he bought it for me.  My Dad died four years ago.  He did not like Christmas at all and did not give me many gifts that were actually from him.  So this is very special to me, I think of that special day where he took the time to be with me and buy me this little ornament.  I do miss him so very much.  Daddy's are so important to little girls.  

                                                                                                                   

During that phase of my life, I was the main bread winner.  My husband studied very hard and I did not expect him to work while he went to school.  But that made the finances a little tough.  This little ornament on the left was from my very first Christmas on our own.  I got it at a store called "Pic n Save" and I got each ornament for about fifty cents.  I like to remember those simpler times and that we can create memories and money is not what will make us happy.  

This one on the Left was one I have recently gotten while John and I were in Williamsburg.  As you can probably see from previous pictures, Williamsburg is one of our favorite places to go.  The Kings Arms Tavern is John's absolute favorite place to eat.  When I put this up it takes me to those nights we would go to eat there and the specialness of those visits.

On the right are the little Hallmark ornaments that make me think of my best friend.  See that little Angel with the thimble at the bottom right?  She gave that to me one year for a Christmas gift.  I love to sew and create so this was definitely an expression of me.  I collected the whole series, but I think of her every year when I put them on the tree.  John shared with me today that this is one of his favorites.

This one is a very recent one.  It is from my mom.  Very special when she picks things out.  I love her taste and love how she has brought such wonderful traditions of Christmas to our family.  She loves to find her daughters special gifts.  So I love to look at this and think of her.  

I want to end with this very special one.  It brings a painful memory, but one I don't want to forget.  This one actually came from my daughter.   When she was about eight years old she wanted to get me a gift for Christmas so she asked someone to take her to the dollar store.  She only had about $1 so she knew I loved my Christmas ornaments so she got this one for me.  She shared with me later that the person told her that it was the ugliest ornament that they had ever seen.  That hurt her so badly.  I keep this to remind me of that painful time for her and that she didn't ask for the division and she wanted to just have a normal family.  It doesn't matter what it looks like, when it's given in love.   I want to remember to be sensitive to a child's need to feel accepted and remember to take another single mom's child out to shop at Christmas.  It's the little things that make the memories.

Well the year has ended and I've put my Christmas away until next year.  My memories are all safe, I've shed a couple of tears and treasure those relationships that i have represented on my tree.  The new is here but we keep the old to remind us of some very special times.  We also want to learn from those memories, so we don't repeat what has been done in the past.  We want to remember the hard times and the good so that we choose to move forward and enjoy life.  It's through the hard times that we grow.  And because life is all about relationships isn't it?