Making it through the tough times and getting your reward.

Ok,  Got a little contest for those that read this,  Be #5 to post me and I will give you a CBC golf umbrella.  Pretty nice.  Help us get this blog out there ok?

This past weekend was one of those warm touchy feely weekends with John.  We basically had the weekend to get away and we chose to take advantage of it.  We got to our church camp-meeting up in Collegedale and had a great time seeing old friends and lots of family.  Saw my niece from Cali and my precious grandson.  Can't get enough of him.  Then had the opportunity to see our granddaughters from Cincinnati, OH.  What a wonderful sound to
hear these high-pitched voices cry MIMI and GRANDY!!!  We got to take them to get ice cream and generally got to hold and love them.  What a treat.  We only missed our littleist granddaughter this time.  She was still trying to

wake up and we had to get on the road.

In getting away on the spur of the moment we took the puppy with
us and totally enjoyed her company.  She loves to ride in the car and loves to be with us.  We were able to take her on walks and just enjoy her sweet company.  Boy it sounds like we are getting old.  But you know what we are getting older and we are in our golden years.

We also got to enjoy the Challenge of the century in Hartwell.  Still able to hang in there for 64 miles by golly, so at least not too decrepid.  Met some interesting people along the way.  Got up at the hotel for breakfast and met this cute girl that had a kit (bikers outfit) that said Power, pedals and ponytails.  Well, I was hoping I could get one of those jerseys, until I found out what you have to do to qualify for it.  She is on a team that is in the Race Across America.  Dany and Kacie are two girls that will go from  Oceanside, CA to Virginia Beach in 7 days without stopping.  They pedal all day and night getting 5 hours of sleep a day. Whoa!  And you thought I was crazy!!

Got into the bike ride and get to the first stop and meet an interesting older
gentleman from Berlin, Germany that had the neatest gadget to scare the dogs away.  Thirty miles later we meet two girls, one had a jersey that said SWIM-BIKE-MOM.  Me showing my ignorance asked did you do that TRI?  Well, that's not a tri, it's a person that blogs.  My daughter recently gave me her book that she wrote recently.  Wonderful story and lots of good information for preparing to be a triathlete.  I learned from her that I am one. ( you only have to do more than 2) I was thrilled to actually get to meet her.  One of the things I had noted in her book was how she lifted her husband up so graciously.  She thought of his needs and showed such compassion and empathy through her story.  How refreshing, more times than not we don't hear spouses lifting their spouses up, but hear them making fun of them or complaining about them. (I've been guilty of this)  It was even cute how she was in a tizzy at the SAG stop because her husband was wanting her to hurry up and finish, because he had something go wrong with his bike.  He encouraged her to do the 100, but called and asked she just do the 59.  All she said was,  I thought he told me to go ahead and get my ride in, I guess for the sake of my marriage I will go ahead and get finished.  Don't we all know that feeling?  Our spouse tells us to do one thing then doesn't really mean it.  I can so relate.  The unfortunate thing is that I did not get pictures of these interesting people.

We finished our ride and my sweet husband helped pull me up and down all the hills with a 16.7 average.  Best I've ever done for that long.  I was really hoping to make it to 17 but I am proud of what I did.  I actually feel the most secure when I'm on his wheel and know he's watching out for me.  I know he is not purposefully going to do anything to hurt me, so I feel safe.

We then left and came back through Helen, GA and decided we needed a treat for supper and ate at the Bodensee.  What  fond memories of the Bodensee we have (the actual Bodensee in Germany)  I got speitzel and oh was it so good and rich.  What a great way to end a great day.

We got home and found a package on our doorstep.  John came running up and said look what we got, you won't believe who sent

us this.  On our trip down the Natchez, Trace we met a sweet older couple that we enjoyed talking to for quite a while.  We learned that he had just had open heart surgery and he was on his way home from Jackson, MS.  The wife had told me that he was a local artisan in Natchez and displayed his pottery at the Visitor's Center,  His name was Tom Hughes.  I found his work and bought a piece as a reminder of the visit we had at the rest area.  I wrote to him to let him know I found his work and I hoped he was healing well.  To our surprise he sent us two beautiful mugs that said enjoy the journey.  What a special treat!!

You never know who you might be striking up a conversation with.  I've learned that talking with those around us is so much fun to learn their stories and a little about them.  I feel so blessed to get to meet so many wonderful people.  Learning about relationships is not only about you and your spouse it's how you reach out to others.  How you meet others along the way.

I look back on this weekend and I think about all the things we did and I feel so blessed.  We get to do them because we have been together for so long.  We are empty nesters.  After twenty-three years we have lots of experiences both good and bad.  We have gone through a lot of history together and gained lots of passion for lots of different areas.  How fun and comfortable it is to be able to do it with your best friend.  I am saddened when I think of those that gave up when the going got tough with their mate and now in the empty nest years are on their own.  We are living such a rich life since our children are grown.  The hard times make our rewards now seem even greater.  I love this stage of my life.

When our life together ends I hope we will just remember how great those times were.  I truly am blessed to be married to my best friend.  I really hope you are too.  You look at the good times and build those up and you will have an exciting life together too.  I know it.  I've changed my perspective and it has changed me.

Thank You for Being My Friend!!

Back in December I taught a class called Marriage 911 for individuals and couples that were really in trouble.  I follow a curriculum that has been developed by Joe and Michelle Williams from Modesto, CA.  Their website is http://www.reconcilinggodsway.com/ and their information is so helpful for couples in crisis.  One of the areas that we neglect so many times or we let it get out of control is our friendships. They can go both ways and be a problem.  I have couples that one will spend too much time with their friends and neglect the spouse or there may be an isolation from friends.  An individual may get too involved with work, kids or house etc... and they neglect the friendship portion of their needs.

Years ago, John started meeting with several guys every Thursday AM for accountability and prayer
and just a time to talk with guys.  I always saw this as a positive, he needed that guy time.  I started praying that I would be able to have the same thing happen with some girls.  I had become isolated with all my kids stuff that I was doing and friends had to be put on the back burner.  God was so good and got me doing a STRANGE thing.  My BFF challenged me to do a sprint triathalon with her when we turned 50.  Our kids were all out of the house and I needed something to spur me into getting some exercise.  So I said yes.

I started training in January and went every AM at 5:30 to run swim or spin.  Through that I met a friend and we started running outside.   She and I then started doing the spin class and we met other friends.  Eventually we started running outside together and we met some more friends.  Then from there it's been history.  We have a group that has met every morning at 5:30 to exercise then go to Panera Bread to get coffee.  I guess since we have suffered together for so long we have just become so close.  It's been a great group to hang with,  we have gotten pretty well known in the community.  I guess kinda like the Golden Girls or something.  But we talk about everything and just enjoy each other's company.

Well, that Tri brought me into biking and I started with just my husband going with me and he got real enthusiastic about it and history was made again.

It started off with my precious friend Karen who encouraged me and kept me going in group rides.  We started doing a ride at the north part of the county and I gotta have rewards when I exercise and more times than not it's food.  Karen suggested let's go get a milkshake after we finished our ride.  That soon became our ritual that summer on Tuesday nights.  It started with her and me and we added our friend Sandy and then the word got out about how much fun we were having at the Burger Den and this year we had way over 100 join us for the Milkshake Ride.  But these friends have become some of the dearest friends.  I have one friend that claimed she was my frog in the pocket and joined me for my 5 at 55 year when I did two tri's, 2 metrics and a century.  She was awesome.  Suffered every mile with me and we bonded forever.

I look back now and I realize how enriched my life is with so many dear friends.  I am a better wife

because of my friends.  We don't get together and husband bash we lift our families up!! We talk about ideas and goals not people and it's so refreshing.  That makes us grow and become better partners.  We have experiences to share with our spouses and we are not totally dependent on our spouses.  But I am blessed that my spouse encourages it.  He has also developed some very close friends through this process.  Who would have ever guessed seven years ago when I said yes to a goal I would gain so much more.

I hope you will look at how you can develop yourself into a better person by being with other people that share common goals.  Share the challenges, sufferings and celebrations.  We are meant to have relationships.  They are all important for us to be the very best we can be.

Trust is an Issue

While I was biking in the pace line with at least 25 fellow bikers I was thinking how important trust is in so many areas of our lives.  This particular night I was on the wheel of my sweet husband and I was so relieved. For the past several weeks when I have ridden in the paceline with this particular group it has been a struggle.  There was a lot of yo-yoing, a term we use to describe where we speed up and slow down but don't keep a steady pace.  This caused a lot of anxiety with several of us older bikers.  We like a nice steady ride, but when there is a lot of yo-yoing there is a lot more work and sometimes someone has a greater tendency to get dropped off the back.   As our leader said we have to trust the person in front enough to stay right on

them.  Right now we have a lot of newer folks and we don't know them well enough to trust them. Trust takes time and experience.  You have to know that you won't wreck when you are on their wheel, or that they won't make a sudden stop and you have to maneuver really quickly.  When I'm on the wheel of my husband I know how he rides, I know I can trust him.  I know he's looking out for me and will not leave me.

All of this seemed to correlate to marriages and relationships.  My friend, Dr. John Van Epp has put it right there in the RAM

(relationship attachment model) in his book, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk,  that you have to know someone before you can trust them.  And you have to trust them before you can rely on them.  How wonderful it is to have someone in your life that you know so well that you can trust and rely on them completely.  I am so blessed to have that with my sweet husband.  For twenty-three years we have been going steadily through our journey.   Because I had a relationship before that I could not trust it took a bit longer to be able to trust him completely.  Now, when I think of him during the day, I feel confident that I can picture where he is and what he's doing when we are not together.  That is a relief for me.  As with biking I trust him so I can relax.  I can use the energy that I would have to use trust him elsewhere, and be more efficient with my emotional energy.  I have peace about our relationship.

One of the things I have learned after twenty-three years wit this man is that he loves me and doesn't want to purposely hurt me.  So when things go wrong I can say that to myself and see the good in what he's doing.  I don't automatically assume that he's out to get me.  That's a huge relief!!! It keeps us from fights and we can talk things through much easier when we realize this simple truth.

Shane Adams and expert rider was trying to give me tips the other night about being more efficient

when I'm riding.  He said to trust the person in front of you to stay about 6 inches away from them and slowly ease up and back when riding the paceline.  I got behind him, I stayed 6 inches away, I rode smooth as silk, but then I thought, I'm doing this because I trust him.  I know he knows what he's doing just as I trust John.  Trust is a huge factor in so many parts of my life.  If trust has been abused in a relationship, that person will tend to have trust issues in many areas of their lives.  I've noticed that as my trust with John has become very steady I am more trusting of others to a certain extent.  I trust them till I see them mess up.  Then I keep them at a distance till I can trust them again.  Some I get closer to, but others I never get very close to because I can't trust them.

Are you trustworthy?  Do you do what you say you're going to do? Do you walk the walk that you talk?  I hope so.  If not you might find your relationships in trouble.  Hope this is helpful to you.

Encouraging Mommies

 I just came off a wonderful two days with my grand children and of course our children too.  I totally enjoyed being with these precious little ones and love being a Mimi!! I got a sweet call from our two that live too far away to get to real quick and it brightened my day to hear their little munchkin voices.  While we were there John and I enjoyed giving the parents a little time off and we watched the babies.  Two of them that is.  One is five months the other thirteen months.

It is so wonderful to see them grow and develop into little people.  Rosie is walking, pointing and in so much awww of the world around her.  Caffrey is wide-eyed and starting to smile and laugh at the people and animals that
surround him.  Both are doing what they are supposed to be doing.  They are so blessed to have such good mommies and daddies.  They love and touch and talk to their children. They teach them and read to them and all kinds of wonderful things that mommies and daddies do.

When I think of this, I think of my practice and what I see.  I see a lot of single parents that have never had the opportunity to know what a healthy parent-child relationship looks like.  I see mommies that are struggling just to get up in the morning and I see mommies that struggle to put food on the table.  There is usually not anyone around to tell them when they are doing it right, but they have heard how many times they've done it wrong. How important it is to tell mommies that they are doing a good job.  Even when it's not perfect they are are loving their babies as best they can.

Many are hurting and don't know how to think above their own needs much less a little ones needs.  We in our society don't know how rough they may have it.  We think, how dare that mom not discipline that child.  Or why in the world did she just let that kid have a big old coke, or why does she let him talk to her that way?  We haven't walked in her shoes.  We don't know what was happening in her life that day or in the past.  We are so quick to judge when it's done badly, but so slow to encourage when they are trying to do the right thing.

What about the single mommies.  I remember being a single mom, there was no one to take the children to get a card or help them make a gift.  It made me a little sad.  Not that I needed that, but I wanted to

teach my children how to give back, and mommies and daddies do that when they help them with gifts for those in the family.   You might want to help a single mom with her kids and help them find ways to tell their mommy thank you.  It encourages her in her hard times.

I hope you will find a mommy to encourage today.  She might not have had enough sleep, or she may not be getting a lot of support from the daddy.   She might have had a very fussy, sick baby for several days and she is exhausted.  Help her to see the good and bring the good out in her.

Mother's Day Gifts - The Good and Not so Good

This week was a little challenging for me since I ended up acquiring a virus from one of the kiddos that I treated.  Not a fun virus by any means.  It put me flat on my back (at least some of the time) in my bed.  Totally exhausted and weak as a kitten I rested quietly.   Thinking it might be a good idea to have our pooch join me so that she could rest with me and enjoy some company for a change, I let her join me on top of the bed.  As I rested she would come and go.  During her time when she was gone for a while she came bounding in, jumped on the bed with something quite large in her mouth.  I assumed it was one of her toys or bones, oh, but NO! She had brought me a present that she was very proud of,  a DEAD RABBIT!! Once I realized what was lying on my bed I of course screamed and tried to convince her to take it back or whatever she wanted, but get it out of my sight.  (not a delightful sight when you have a stomach flu).   Of course she did not understand and looked at me pitifully as I screamed and showed much displeasure at her gift!  Eventually I got brave enough to go get the dustpan from downstairs and scooped the rabbit up in it very carefully as to not to touch it and quickly took it out the front door hoping some animal would delight in carrying it away.  (Apparently they did, because by that evening when John came home the animal was gone.)  

Of course to me that was a terrible trauma, but even more so to our poor Bailey,  she looked at me as though I had hurt her feelings, and could not understand what she had done that was so horrific.  We both made it through.  I of course asked her to forgive me and we are best friends again.  

This reminded me of how many times we can be misunderstood by our gifts.  I noticed a post on facebook, that a VERY inappropriate gift for Mother's Day was a vacuum cleaner. (I do hope the husband got the hint)  I think I would agree.  But to many men they see this as a machine and machines are really cool cause they can do so many things, and women LOVE to have clean homes, so this must be a really wonderful gift for my wife so I can say I love you.  Sorry guys,  many times this is a NOT.

 Notice I say many,  I have a lot of girlfriends that really love this sort of thing.  But to many women this says "Honey, can you work a little harder to keep the house clean?"  I know, I know, that's not what is meant at all, but that is the way a woman will interpret.  Especially if she has some insecurities about her housekeeping abilities.  Just as Bailey wanted to please me with a wonderful gift of a rabbit, guys try to please us.  It's a problem on both ends.  I guess the way we as women should look at it is, "Let's find the good in it!"  When you find the good in a vacuum, it might be " he wanted me to have an easier time with the housework, or he wanted to get me something really practical, or maybe this means he will do the vacuuming since he likes cool machines".  Is it really worth it to get angry about it?

In a class I do for couples I usually have couples stand back to back and ask them what each sees.  Of course they have two different views.  I have a little fun and ask them why don't they see the same thing, and they look at me as if I'm crazy.   But isn't that what we do when we assume a reason for giving us something or when we say they should know what I want or know how I feel.  What's that "saying" about assume?  Maybe to let your spouse know how much you appreciate them thinking of you with a wonderful gift, "but maybe next time I would really like something a little different.  Would you mind if I gave you some ideas on what I would like?"

The other thing I think of is one of my favorite theories of the "5 Love

Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman.  Maybe it would be a good idea to read that and study your spouse to see what their love language might be.  I am very blessed because for twenty-three years John says "I've studied you" and actually he does quite well.  

With this Mother's Day think about this guys  "The Best gift you can give your children is to love their mother."  You know in many ways that will be shown in the gifts you choose for her.  Are you studying your wife?  Let her know and let the children see you express your love in gifts.  Give them the gift of learning how to give good gifts that show your love

Happy Mother's Day!!! 

Taking the Easy Way Doesn't Make it Necessarily Easy

As you know recently I did the 440 miles of the Natchez Trace.  Before I did this I had been having some aches and pains and one especially in my neck.  I had been going to a great Physical Therapist that was helping me to deal with this.  But I was still having a lot of difficulty especially after the trip.  As he was telling me he pointed out the scar on my neck.  This was from the surgery I had two years ago for a bone spur.

At the time when I decided to succumb to surgery I did not know that there were any other options.  I had been in pain for 8 years and was starting to lose muscle in my right hand and arm.  So surgery seemed to be a good idea.  I'm not one that likes to have surgery at all, but there comes a time when you have to make a decision.  Well, the surgery went well, but as I have moved forward in an active lifestyle I have had to compensate and some of the compensations that I have made make things worse.   Those compensations have made other muscles work harder and actually overwork, so now I'm in pain when I do the least bit of over work.  I am having to re-learn how to move my neck and practice putting it in better positions.  I'm also having to learn my options in working with this issue.  I must keep working with my neck but may need to adjust my ideas such as riding a recumbent bike versus my Trek road bike, and maybe not running as much and walking more.  But one way or the other I learn how to work with the choices that I made.

In thinking about this I thought about life and marriages, sometimes we make the choice of maybe ending a relationship in divorce, the best thing might have been to continue to work with it and somehow make it work, but many times we might choose to break it off.  When we do this we have more challenges such as children, stepfamily issues, and similar issues that never were resolved.   Pain comes back and there are challenges again.  We have to choose.

No one else knows your situation as well as you, they may think they do and criticize your choice, but you are the one that will live with it.  Then you have to learn how to work with it.  It may have been better to stay with it, but now you are learning how to deal with the challenges you created because you did not stick with it. BUT you have to make your choice and learn.   Start where you are and keep moving forward.  Get back on track.  You find your options and work with them.

By choosing to learn and grow, your relationships will get better, but start where you are.  And I must say you have to do a lot of depending on our God.  He can make all things work for good for those that Love the Lord.  Don't give up!!!