The Second Biggest Reason for Divorce and how to avoid it.

Incompatibility is actually a reason people get divorced as in second after infidelity.  That one is confusing to me.  If you are incompatible, how did you get together in the first place?  My friend John Van Epp has spent much of his life studying and teaching about the Relationship Attachment Model.  This particular model has five areas that you should be measuring before you decide to marry someone.  If any of these areas is out of balance, then is this a good match?  You can determine this if you are discerning and not jumping into relationships.

How many of you know of couples that you know from the start are polar opposites.  She's so intelligent and proper and he's more like a thug and no goals whatsoever?  What are their chances of making it?  Yet how many times do we see couples jump before they really know each other.

The first area is Know -  You must know someone before you start trusting them right?  I see relationships that go so fast that neither person really knows the others.  There are times in my relationship with my husband that I find I don't KNOW him that well.  But when we take our time and spend the time in different settings and situations we will see more of that person.  BUT that takes time. How many times do we rush into something that is really a Life decision and we haven't really looked at it from all possible sides.  Makes me think of watching HGTV and Property Virgins.  How easy it is to make the mistake of buying a house that has BIG time problems or one that is way over our budget.  Easy to do...  I tend to like the show and the wisdom that is shared by the Real Estate Agent as she guides the couple in their first home.  Wow! What a great idea for couples!! Isn't that a little like Premarital Counseling?

After ten years of offering premarital education to couples getting married at the court, I have come to

the conclusion that they need someone just like the property virgins need to guide them in their marriage.  Helping couples to look honestly at what the deal breakers are.  I have gotten so many comments from couples saying they have been married before so they don't need to go through the education.  Whenever you put two people together there will be incompatibilities.  The difference is those that learn how to embrace the differences rather than fight them make happier homes.  We are presently working on Marriage Mentors.  I have two wonderful couples that are studying with me and John to help offer mentorships to couples from the courts.  They will be able to encourage them through the tough times as well as the happy times.  Each are trained to see the incompatibilities and teach the couples that they work with how to deal with those areas.  More than anything else how to communicate through the incompatible areas.

I like Larry Burkett's statement that went something like this. "If you have two people just a like then one of those people is not needed."  So much truth.  As I said embracing rather than fighting the differences helps.  If we can help with this Please check out our website.  Our goal is to help our community to thrive with strong families that are based on healthy marriages.  If this is helpful to you would you pass it on... Thanks  www.marriageisforever.org

Here's a great blog that gets into it even better... http://corrieanne.com/2013/07/17/wifey-wednesday-you-never-marry-the-right-person/  Tell me what you think!!

For Better for Worse, In Sickness and In Health, For Richer for poorer till death do us part

For the last two times I've been able to blog I've written about commitment.  To be honest, I was thinking about commitment in respects to adultery, but I think I had a God moment when I was listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio, that commitment is hard when there have been problems with the finances and even with health issues.  I guess that's why the vows will say in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer.  All these things can cause strains on marriages.  When the statistics say that people say that it's money problems, is it really or is it a matter of commitment?

If a spouse lies about how they are spending money and causes the finances to go out of control it must be as hard as when there is infidelity, because there is a loss of trust.  I heard Dave Ramsey tell the story of a couple that were working on getting debt free.  The husband was so excited because he saw an end to the tunnel and was telling everyone that he would get to do the "I'm Debt Free" scream.  But then his wife told him of the problem that she had been hiding from him.  She had been very frightened to admit that she had run up the credit card to $15,000 I think.  The husband was very angry at first and stormed out of the house and drove around for a couple of

hours.  As he drove around his heart was softened and he decided if he was able to get debt free once he could do it again.  When he got home he and his wife sat down and he forgave her they worked out a plan, then moved forward again.  It took him another 18 months before he could do the "Debt Free" scream, but this time it was even more meaningful because they had gone through the tough times and learned how to communicate about their finances better and they felt closer because of it.

Another incident can be when a family loses a child or when a family has a disabled child.  That is extremely stressful for a family.  So much emotional stress, and most don't make it through that.  I remember taking care of children on the oncology floor and watching the families either cling together or drift apart.

I was watching a video from Project Everlasting with Matt Boggs and Jason Miller.  They showed a couple that had been married 67 years.  They asked for the secret to their marriage and she said... "Commitment, commitment, commitment and commitment... then all that other stuff.  I never thought about divorcing him, murder maybe but not divorce."  Here's a little taste of some of those committed couples. Enjoy!!