Mother - In - Laws

This last week I got inspired once again by Downton Abbey.  As a mother-in-law I want to make sure I encourage each of our children in their marriages.  We won't always agree with our children's spouses but we need to encourage them in their marriages.  This last week the example of the Dowager encouraging a strong healthy marriage was exceptional.  She saw how her son and daughter-in-law were grieving but not together over the loss of their daughter.  She saw them drifting further and further apart and knew that they needed to come back together rather than blaming and going further apart.  In the past you see how she disagrees with one or the other of the couple but this time she supports them being a couple so that they can grieve together. She contacts the local physician and begs his help in helping to get the couple back on track.  To me that is beautiful to see someone TRY to help their children's marriage work.  There was no blaming either one but simply getting them back on track.  Blaming your child's spouse can be very harmful for their marriage.  When their are children involved we need to encourage and bring out the positive in the in-law rather than bringing out the faults.  They already see the faults and don't usually need help pointing them out.  Consider if there are children involved,  unless they are doing something immoral or illegal we need to focus on the positive.  Give them the tools to work through their challenges.  But be supportive.  Help them to get the help when they need it.  Being an in-law is a challenge but also very rewarding.  I have loved how my sweet friend has been supportive of her son's ex-daughter-in-law when he left her, but she has also loved her son.  A very unselfish way to approach this very difficult situation.  What an example she has given me.  I hope I can be half as loving as my friend has been.  

By the way - This is the beginning of National Marriage Week - Take your spouse out and enjoy.  Buy a Dating My Spouse Card and make it a regular event. 

"I guess this means we're married"

Unfortunately I'm one of the lucky ones that hit the 40% that the flu shot did not work.  I tried to work yesterday and realized something is just not right and did a test and found out I had flu B.  I got out of there and headed home and put myself to bed.  I felt horrible!

Just a few hours later my husband came home with similar symptoms.  Bless his heart, in the process of getting home he had picked up chicken noodle soup and some other meds for me.  I had called in Tamiflu for him and me.  By 7 pm we were both in the bed.  A thermometer in his mouth and a Kleenex box by my side, he looked at me and said. "I guess this means we are married".

Yes,  what a comforting thought!! We are married.  We can feel comfortable with each other enough to look our worse and need help from the other.  I am so thankful that we are married.

I recently ran across this This blog had some great and practical ideas of being close even when you have the flu.   That looks just like John and me.  We stay so close that we are not afraid of sharing the germs.  We know that we are one and that our immune system is built up by being with each other.  It's great comfort to have him upstairs in the same room or area with me.  Both of us trying to help each other.  I think he actually helped me a lot more.

What a blessing to be able to share in sickness and in health.  Hope you don't get this bug!!!

Grow Old Along with Me!! The Best is yet to be!!

Recently we had a scare with my husband's dad.  Right after Christmas he had a heart attack and seemed to be recovering then all went down hill and he ended up in heart surgery with a complete valve replacement and a low chance to live.  This was totally unexpected since he has been very active and healthy.  Yes, he's 83 but he sure doesn't look like it.  We are blessed so much because he is doing so well in his recovery.  He has gotten discharged to home and is doing miraculously well.

One of the things that he said as he was recovering was how wonderful it was to have Mary Beth (his wife) by him the whole time.  She never left him and she has been right there to help in every way.  She made sure before he had even had this happen that he was taken care of with healthy meals and that he made it to all his doctor's appointments.  Then afterward she has lovingly cared for him in ways that no one else can.  As a medical provider I have read that the people that heal the best are those that are surrounded by those that love them.  He was so grateful and knew how blessed he was to have her by his side.  The same was said of my mom and dad when he was sick and at the end of his life.  I have also seen the statistics that men live ten years longer that have been in a healthy married relationship.

I also came to realize how important it is when parents stay together.  Yes, all the children were right there when there was a possibility that we might lose him, but also afterwards there has been so much love and support for both Dad and Mom, as was for my Mom and Dad.  But what happens when two people divorce and age.  Unfortunately I have seen that side with patients too.  When a parent is not in the home or if there is a divorce where there is great resentment between two parents then one is usually left out.  There is not the obligation or desire to be there for the parent that left the home.  Then that person suffers alone and does not receive the loving care and concern that is given to those that have been married for years.

This seems to be a bigger problem than people realize.  We forget that when we age we have a need to be with people.  Our health is so much better when we are with loved ones.  I think about my mom's best friend and how they are in their 90's and they still are independent and take care of themselves.  It's the sweetest thing to see two older people look out for each other.  I believe that is what God wants us to do as we age.  He must be broken hearted to see someone that has no one to care for them when they are older.

You know Valentine's Day is just around the corner and we think of all the syrupy sweet romance, but it's so much more than that.  The most romantic love I see is the one that lasts a lifetime.  Through the tough times and good they keep going then at the end they are there for each other.  Every morning as I walk down my stairs I look at a sign right above my head that says, "Grow old alone with me, the best is yet to be..."  The long term love and relationships are truly beautiful.   How wonderful to know that you have someone that loves you and will help to care for you.  Thank you to my mom & dad as well as my husband's that have given us this wonderful example.

There's nothing like a beautiful Bride and Groom!!

Yesterday I was saddened and a bit hurt that someone did not want me to use their wedding picture on my blog.  And I respect that, but I was not expecting to hear that.  So I got an idea let me just put it out there to ask my friends on Facebook for their wedding pictures.  I was overwhelmed with a positive response.  I had pictures from this summer to fifty years ago.  All with positives about sure show people my pictures.  Which I'm thrilled to do!!

But the most amazing part of this process was a little serendipity that happened.  Over and over people posted their pictures on my wall which would show up for others to see.  I had some wondering what I was doing and others just commenting on their friends wedding pictures.  Then I thought, that's wonderful,  there are such positive warm memories that are brought back when we look at our wedding pictures or others.  People would reinforce to a couple how beautiful they were or boy look how far you come.  Others would literally look and see that wow, we have come a long way and we have made it this far we can keep going.

When you look back, and myself included,  don't you think about the time between then and now.  You think about the warm feelings and butterflies when you dated.  Some of the dumb things you chose to do, but you still made it 30 years.  Or boy, there have been some rough patches, but we made it through those, I know we can make it through some more.

I was  talking to a sweet friend that asked me this morning if this was just for those who take my classes.  No,  I just want to see happy wedding pictures.  Then she shared with me that I was the only one that encouraged her when things got tough in her marriage.  Of course that touched me, but more than that it reinforced to me what I have seen, we need to encourage others that they can make it rather than to leave.  Our world wants to say that there is emotional abuse or co-dependence in marriage relationships.  Nope, there's not, nobody does it perfect and we gotta keep going and learning how to make it work.  If you don't stay in the marriage you won't figure it out.

These are so eclectic and beautiful.  Everyone has their own twist to their marriage just as to the wedding.  We can't look at someone else's marriage and say I want mine to be just like that.  It doesn't work.  We have to work on our own and do the very best that we can.  But isn't it a joy to see so many beautiful pictures.  Thank you to all who have given me their pictures.  I will probably do this again because of such a wonderful response.

I read somewhere that when you are struggling in your marriage it is good to look back at old pictures of when you were happy and when you felt "in love".  That helps to bring those feelings back and you say "I think I can do this, I promised forever".  I encourage you to pull out the old pix and get the warm feelings refreshed.  Maybe do that as a date night.   Just smile and enjoy,  you never know what might happen next.  :-)

Wedding Stresses Happen!! Why?

This past week I had a most delightful evening with one of  friends.  One of our topics of conversations was her daughter's wedding which is looming in the near future.  She made the comment that her daughter has gotten to the place where she's ready to have the wedding over with!  Stress has hit.   This is "HER" day, but there have been some things that come up that make it not all about her, unfortunately.  My husband and I have experienced five out of five of our children's weddings.  All had some stress, the girls a little more than the boys, but either way there was stress.

I have had the wonderful opportunity to meet a very creative person that realized that Stresses happen in a wedding.  She and her dad (who is a marriage and family therapist) have seen how weddings can either bring out the best or worse in people.  Elizabeth Doherty Thomas and her father, Bill Doherty, have teamed up to write a great book "Take Back Your Wedding".  In this book she talks about the stresses and usually the stresses are about people.  Relationships can be stressful.   

One of the most important points that she makes in the book, is that once you are engaged, "it" is no longer all about you or the two of you.  You are now somebody's daughter-in-law or son.  You must include everyone else.  I think a myth that has been encouraged in our society right now is that the wedding is "THEIR" day.   Let me just say, that yes it is and it is a very special day for the two of them, but there are many people that care about you and want to be there with you on your wedding day.  They will be effected by your union.  My friend made a very good point when she told her daughter that had become very good friends with a girl that had a child that she loved dearly, "Would you want to be included when this child grows up and marries?"  That helped her realize how others might feel that are excluded.

We all want to feel important and we all want to feel included.  Empathy helps to bring reality to a situation.   When we truly have empathy, we can see the perspective from another's point of view.  No, you can't make everyone happy, but you have to at least try to put yourself in their shoes and see their viewpoint.  Then you can approach the problem in a softer manner.

I encourage all new brides to get Elizabeth's book or at least go to her website. I believe you will find the most help right there for the stresses of your wedding.  You want to look back and think of how beautiful it all is and that you felt loved, not resented during your wedding.  Good luck!! :) Elizabeth's website is full of great ideas and downloads to help.

Real People share their stories about keeping the marriage strong.

I want to encourage young couples in their marriages. But you might be looking at me and I'm from another generation and say she doesn't know how it works today.  Well, n the next few weeks I hope to add some thoughts from our board members and how they keep their marriages strong.  Sometimes just seeing someone else's story can give you hope.  These are real people, with real lives and stories.  Mollie Surratt has just recently joined our board.  She has a strong heart for marriage.   Some of you may have seen her with her Mom Lori who is the star of "Say Yes to the Dress".  It may seem like their family is about the wedding, but I have seen their heart and it's more about the family and getting it started strong.  Thank you Mollie and Jason for sharing your story.  

Mollie and Jason were married on October 4, 2008. It was a beautiful fall wedding with over 250 family and friends! Each year, they really focus on setting aside time to celebrate their anniversary. The couple watches their wedding video, flips through the wedding album and talks about favorite memories from the day. Also, the couple tries to revisit their wedding reception venue every year to have dinner and spend the night. Whether your wedding was big or small, it's important to remember the vow you made on that special day and recommit year after year. Through the craziness of everyday life with work, children and pets, Mollie and Jason feel this annual ritual reminds them of how happy and in love they felt that day and how blessed they are to be together now.  

Check out our website www.marriageisforever.org and learn more about us and what we are doing in Dalton, Chatsworth and Calhoun.  It's the little things that make a difference.  Let's make a difference.

Marriage is Important for OUR Country!!

This past year I personally have experienced the weddings of two of our children.  The newness is still there for both of them.  It's still a beginning for many that were married in 2012.  I looked up the statistics for the most popular months to get married and to my surprise, June is no longer the most popular month, July and August have taken the lead for weddings then June.  Right now many are planning their weddings.   The excitement of the event is usually the main topic rather than the lastingness of the event.  The wedding takes up 3-4 hours of one's life, but the marriage takes of the rest of their life.  Many brides get so enthralled with all the details, spending thousands of dollars for the perfect wedding, but they have not prepared themselves at all for the marriage.

"Marriage is just supposed to happen".   "If it doesn't work, then we can get divorced."   I also hear frequently, we don't have enough money right now so we are just going to live together.  Unfortunately all these thoughts have normalized cohabitation.   Ten to fifteen years ago we still considered living together as shacking up and an immoral thing to do.  Now it's so common we just accept it.

Unfortunately we are seeing the consequence of this attitude in the next generations that have appeared.  In "The State of the Union" report from the Institute for American Values and the National Marriage Project they report that now the norm for our middle-class is 44% of our children are born outside of marriage.  This is up 13% from the 1980's.  We have studied this enough to know that when children are raised in a single-parent home there are many side effects that effect the children.  Such as they struggle in school, they struggle with relationships, they have more incidences of delinquency and they struggle economically.

Right now our country is struggling with the economy.   Our Government does not mention one of the biggest problems that effects our need for taxes that could be easily reconciled, marriage rather than cohabitation.  A study was done by the Institute for American Values that showed if we could decrease the percentage of children NOT raised by their married biological parents by just 1% we would save $1.1 billion annually.   When two biological parents raise children there is less need for repeating grades, medical bills and counseling costs.

When do we affect this?  I believe it is before the marriage starts.  We know that Premarital Counseling helps those that prepare for marriage know what areas they will need to work on.   They can go into the marriage with their eyes open not expecting things to always be perfect.  So many think they are supposed to have Hollywood marriages or what we see and when it's not they break up.

The Institute for American Values has come up with some ideas that the government can do to help this situation such as:

• Eliminate marriage penalties and disincentives for the poor, for unwed mothers, and for older Americans., including lesser-known disincentives present in current Medicaid and Social Security policies. 
• Triple the child tax credit to shore up the economic foundations of family life in Middle America
• Help young men to become more marriageable and better husbands and fathers with job apprenticeship programs championed by report co-author Robert I Lerman of the Urban Institute, military programs like the Strong Bonds Program, and prison programs like Within My Reach. 
• Enact the Second Chances Act to prevent unnecessary divorce.  (Designed by the Institute for American Values)
• Provide marriage education for newly forming stepfamilies since their rate of divorce is even higher. 
• Invest in and evaluate marriage and relationship education programs, especially those that target at-risk individuals and couples.  Our organization as well as Compassion House here in Dalton provide these types of programs. 
• Engage Hollywood, much as the anti-smoking movement did, to help shape positive American attitudes toward marriage and parenting.  Right now the majority of sex on TV and in movies is shown between unmarried couples. 
• Launch social media campaigns about the facts and fun of marriage, perhaps led by the U.S. Surgeon General.  Such as our Dating My Spouse program and Date Night Dalton. 
• Model how to talk about shared marriage values from a variety of perspectives.  

All of the above can help.  Here at Family Frameworks we are trying to model the above in our community, area and state.  We are persevering and we are seeing a change being made.  I still believe in the importance of marriage and want to share that with the next generations coming up.  We must all do that before marriage is a lost institution.  MARRIAGE IS IMPORTANT!!! for all of us, but especially the next generations.  Help spread the word.