Encourage don't Discourage

Fireproof has passed but I still love its message. So much good stuff in just the trainlers.    Many times I sit and listen to conversations of friends and family and I hear talk about this husband or this wife that they should definitely leave them.  My heart hurts when I hear that.  I have been so guilty of the same thing.  It's so easy to judge when we aren't living in their shoes.  One of the worst things I see us do as spouses is tear our spouse down to other people.  It's almost like we bring out their bad points to justify ourselves.  Yep, I'm guilty.  But I know that's so very harmful.  Over the years I have tried to encourage couples in their marriages.  No, I'm not a therapist, but I have found that when we encourage and bring out the good points of a spouse to a person they tend to go back and realize what they have. 

No, I'm not advocating unhealthy marriages where there is actual abuse, I'm just trying to say that many times we can help a couple get back on track by just bringing out the good points.  For twenty years I have been telling couples how important their marriage is to their children.  There have been some that share some pretty horrific stories about the put-downs the negativeness etc.  But years later they have come back to me to tell me they stayed and continued to work on their marriage and it worked.  They have been glad that they stayed.  I have read the research that states that those that stay in the marriage and WORK on getting through the challenges and conflicts are much happier in five years than those that gave up.  I'm just saying, try to work on it.  It's much better to find the good in the marriage and the person you are married to than constantly dwelling on the negative parts.

That is one thing I have been so encouraged with in my biking community friendships, We have a bunch of couples and we all lift up our spouses!! No they aren't perfect, but we really don't want to trade 'em in.  One friend shared her story about the challenges of constantly trying to keep him happy.  Doing all the things he wanted to do and leaving her feelings and wants and  desires on the back burner.  She eventually got tired of this and said phooey, I'm gonna do my own thing.  Well that's when she started biking.  A beautiful thing happened, she never put him down as she started doing her thing, she didn't try to push him to start doing it with her, but he eventually joined her after about a year.  Now  I watch as they have this beautiful relationship together.  They LOVE to be together but they also are very comfortable doing their own things.  There is a confidence we gain as we encourage our spouse but don't leave our thoughts, feelings and desires out.

I noticed this same thing in Fireproof in a scene when both partners were talking with their friends and saying how bad the other spouse was.  Most of their friends were saying you just need to leave him/her, except one, he said hang in there, it's definitely worth it. When there is one or two that can encourage and give them hope there is greater hope to save the marriage.  I want to encourage you to be a marriage champion and encourage someone in their marriage.  It's worth it for everyone.

My Daddy was the BEST!!!

This past Sunday was Father's Day and if I'd had my act together I would have written this blog earlier, but instead, I was participating in another triathlon and working at our local Church Event Messiah's Mansion.  So here goes.  I wanted to share some stories about my daddy.  My daddy was my hero.  I'm so proud of who he was and all that he accomplished.  To me he was an amazing man and if you knew his background that he overcame you would be blown away.

My dad grew up in Atlanta, well sort of.  He started off in Alabama.  His dad died either before he was born or soon after.  His mom struggled with this loss I'm sure and remarried several times.  My dad did not like his stepdads and had told me on a couple of occasions that he was treated very mean by them.  He ran away at a very young age to his aunt's house.  She kept taking him back but he would persist in coming back to her home.  She finally kept him and raised him as her own.  He didn't have his own bedroom, but slept on the couch.  He failed school because he changed schools so many times before the eighth grade.  When he was old enough his aunt sent him to a Christian Boarding School in North Carolina.  He talked many times about the Howards who befriended him and loved him as a son.  I remember visiting them many times as a child.  My dad had great respect for Pastor Howard.  He actually did very well at the school.  Worked very hard for his room and board and his senior year he became the class president.  Everyone liked him, and wanted him to be around.  My dad had a great sense of humor and was always laughing and smiling.  Apparently he did not make a really good choice his senior year by hanging around a boy that influenced him to join him on an evening escapade.  It was totally innocent, but he got caught and his privilege of speaking at graduation was taken from him.  He had a lot of regret over that situation.

After graduation he joined the army to do his part in WWII.  I used to love to hear his stories about his army experience.  His faith played a huge part in his life while serving his country.  Those stories influenced me in many ways, I believe my faith is stronger from his stories.  He had some challenges while in the army, but with his great personality, intelligence and skills he survived very well.  He actually had a part that he played in D-day.  I remember going to visit England and I wanted to see the town that he was stationed at.  I remember him saying he would be eating supper outside and a german bomber would come through and he could actually see the eyes of the pilot.

After surviving that experience he got out of the army and decided to use his GI bill to pay for his college.  He went to a Christian College and got a business degree.   But little did he know that was not where he would stop.  His friend Pastor Howard knew him well and knew he had potential and encouraged him to go to medical school.  He finished all the prerequisites then applied to Loma Linda University in California.  When he applied, the challenges that he had going through the boarding school came back to haunt him.  He almost didn't get into medical school but his friend, Pastor Howard, went to bat for him and he was accepted in the class of 52 I believe.  He graduated in the top 1/3 of his class and I want to say that he was 3rd.  Pretty good for a kid that failed out of grade school.

He met my mom and they married after just 3 months of dating.  Oh the funny stories they share about how they got together and spending their honeymoon camping with some friends.  The odds should have been against them for making it in their marriage, but they were married for 64 years before he passed away.  They had a great marriage.  They lost their first child, which was devastating but brought them closer together as a couple.  He became one of the Mighty Six first doctors that started the new hospital here in Dalton.  People to this day come up to me and say that he either delivered him or was their mom's doctor or something.  He was one of the great doctors in the golden age of medicine.  He used to take me on house calls with him.  I remember being dressed in my nightgown ready to go to bed and he would bring us with him to see a patient.  I remember being six years old, way too young to be up on the floor to do rounds with him and he would let me ride in the elevator until he was finished. I loved to hang out at the hospital with him.  I had a little nurse outfit with a cape and cap and I would wear that to his office to help put patients in the rooms.  I loved it when he would ring the bell and say "2cc's of penicillin" I wanted to badly to learn how to give shots.

He later built nursing homes for so many of his patients.  They were nice, but I knew I did not want my parents to be there. I went to work in those nursing homes at the age of 14 and have been nursing ever since.  I loved watching my dad care for his patients.  He knew just how to make them feel heard and loved but be very efficient.  He told me that he saw over 100 patients one day when there was a flu

epidemic.  I knew that my dad would answer my call whenever I would call his office.  That was one of the greatest comforts to me, to know that he was always there for me.  Through the years I listened and learned so much from my dad.  One of my favorite memories is when he was in the hospital to have his rotator cuff repaired (an avid golfer) and he told his orthopedic surgeon, this is my daughter the nurse practitioner, I felt like he was so very proud of me, as I was of him.  There are so many ways that he influenced me and I am so very grateful that I had him as my father. He gave me strong values, and helped me learn how to make decisions.  I knew right from wrong not just from his corrections but from his examples.  He is still my hero and think about him every day.  I am so thankful that in his last years my husband got to know and appreciate him even more.  During the last five years or so we took on our boat traveling the great circle route with us which he absolutely loved.   He also gave me the love of travel and history.  Boy I'm blessed!!!  Those were precious times.  Cherish your daddy, he's important.  Be the best Daddy you can be.  I'm proud that mine was and he really didn't have a good example, but he came through!!.

Inspiring

Recently I finished my seventh or eight Sprint Triathlon.  I know you are wondering "WHY?"  Sometimes that's me too.  But I started thinking about why have I done this, and there are several reasons.  I first started when my BFF challenged me to do a Danskin Tri at
Disney World when we turned 50.  I said sure.  That would be good for me.  I never dreamed how good it would be!!  Since then I have made it my goal to do at least one every year.  I think I missed one cause I didn't get registered in time.  But otherwise I've done one every year since that challenge.

But I never realized what the benefits would be for me.  Yes, you would think first of the physical benefits, I did get in shape and lost a few pounds.  I got stronger and I got more confidence in myself.  With this I also got endurance and discipline.  All are wonderful goals.  But the greatest benefit I have gotten is when I have encouraged others to join me and watch them grow.

Cindi and I had our daughters join us.  We now watch them as they continue to do either running or triathlons or some kind of physical events.  They are much healthier because of it.  Then I started training and my husband did not want me to ride by myself so he had to get a bike and we started training together.  We have grown so much closer because of our commonality in biking.  We have also grown in our friendships with others.  I have been encouraged to do metrics and centuries from our dear friends that we bike with.  They encouraged me and I in turn have encouraged others.  We all are changing and growing.  It's so inspiring and encouraging to watch the growth.

Then there is my running group.  As I trained for my first tri I met a couple of girls that would help me with the running portion.  We have continued this tradition and meet most mornings to enjoy our run, walk whatever and coffee together.  We have done tri's together rides together and shopped.  What a blessing to grow with friends.  Seven years we have enjoyed each others' company.

Then there is our Biking Community.  From there I have found a friend that wanted to join me last year in all my crazy goals.  She was crazy and did each one with me.  Now this year we set our goals again and boy she is beating me.  She and another girlfriend joined me on this tri and beat me in my time.  What fun to watch people succeed.  I have another girlfriend that is joining me this next week for the Calloway Tri and it will be her first.

From there we have made friends with swimmers, bikers and runners and I have been blessed by all.
One of my friends that joined me a couple of years ago in Florida for a TRI wrote on my FB "your still inspiring".  Wow,  that was a real compliment.  More so than finishing.  If I can inspire others here I hope I can inspire in other areas of my life.  I have found that my husband and I inspire many in their marriages, in their parenting and in their spiritual life.  That to me is so much better than anything else I can do in this world.  I am now seeing the people that say they were inspired by me inspiring others and the ripple effect is taking place.  WOW!!!   That's what

we are called to do.  How can you inspire someone?  First of all I want to say, yes, you can be an inspiration!!! No matter what you have done or where you have come from there is something that you are inspiring others to do.  I want to encourage you to inspire!  Inspire others all along the way and YOU will be the winner!!!

What we do for love

“For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships.

Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossable, deserts unbearable, and hardships our lot in life.”

― Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages (Library Edition): The Secret to Love that Lasts

 I will testify to this truth!!!  As I have been following John as he pulls me around on the bicycle, I have realized how much I love him and he loves me.   I could not do what I do all by myself.  It's him and me as a team that keeps us going!!!  The adventures that we get into are so much more fun with him and I really don't want to do any of them without him.  

As we have ridden he has said on multiple times,  I will miss you on the RAGRAI.  I have resisted since he started talking about it due to the overall experience.  I'm am more of a "Pampered Pedaler" and doing the

RAGBRAI shows no indication of being pampered.  As I was following him on the Hartwell ride I realized how much I really wanted to be with him and for love I could climb this mountain, so I told him that I would do the RAGRAI with him.  This is a 330 mile bike ride across Iowa at the end of July.  The weather last year was temperatures of 100 and a few terrible rainstorms.  What am I thinking?  Well, when I offered I secretly prayed there wouldn't be any openings.  John contacted the ride people and all spots were taken but they gave him a website he could post to get a ticket.    Well, he posted and within less than 24 hours a lady contacted him who could not go.  She is from Texas and had just started a new job and her boss told her she could not take that time off.  So a win-win, sort of!

We have gotten the ticket and I am signed up to be part of the Burlington Bike Club.  This year the ride will go through southern Iowa.  Hopefully the weather won't be quite as horrendous.  The road is less hilly and the daily rides are shorter.  I think I can do this.  

Please note the tent he's set up in our living room!!  Yes, he's excited that we are both going.  He had a one man tent last year and it's a family tent this year.  He keeps telling me that the food is fantastic and it's a party the whole way across.  We will see.  But here we go on another adventure!!! Pray for me!!

What are you doing in love that you would not do normally?  We all have them.  These are the things that make a marriage more meaningful and last a lifetime.  Enjoy the challenges along the way.  

Making it through the tough times and getting your reward.

Ok,  Got a little contest for those that read this,  Be #5 to post me and I will give you a CBC golf umbrella.  Pretty nice.  Help us get this blog out there ok?

This past weekend was one of those warm touchy feely weekends with John.  We basically had the weekend to get away and we chose to take advantage of it.  We got to our church camp-meeting up in Collegedale and had a great time seeing old friends and lots of family.  Saw my niece from Cali and my precious grandson.  Can't get enough of him.  Then had the opportunity to see our granddaughters from Cincinnati, OH.  What a wonderful sound to
hear these high-pitched voices cry MIMI and GRANDY!!!  We got to take them to get ice cream and generally got to hold and love them.  What a treat.  We only missed our littleist granddaughter this time.  She was still trying to

wake up and we had to get on the road.

In getting away on the spur of the moment we took the puppy with
us and totally enjoyed her company.  She loves to ride in the car and loves to be with us.  We were able to take her on walks and just enjoy her sweet company.  Boy it sounds like we are getting old.  But you know what we are getting older and we are in our golden years.

We also got to enjoy the Challenge of the century in Hartwell.  Still able to hang in there for 64 miles by golly, so at least not too decrepid.  Met some interesting people along the way.  Got up at the hotel for breakfast and met this cute girl that had a kit (bikers outfit) that said Power, pedals and ponytails.  Well, I was hoping I could get one of those jerseys, until I found out what you have to do to qualify for it.  She is on a team that is in the Race Across America.  Dany and Kacie are two girls that will go from  Oceanside, CA to Virginia Beach in 7 days without stopping.  They pedal all day and night getting 5 hours of sleep a day. Whoa!  And you thought I was crazy!!

Got into the bike ride and get to the first stop and meet an interesting older
gentleman from Berlin, Germany that had the neatest gadget to scare the dogs away.  Thirty miles later we meet two girls, one had a jersey that said SWIM-BIKE-MOM.  Me showing my ignorance asked did you do that TRI?  Well, that's not a tri, it's a person that blogs.  My daughter recently gave me her book that she wrote recently.  Wonderful story and lots of good information for preparing to be a triathlete.  I learned from her that I am one. ( you only have to do more than 2) I was thrilled to actually get to meet her.  One of the things I had noted in her book was how she lifted her husband up so graciously.  She thought of his needs and showed such compassion and empathy through her story.  How refreshing, more times than not we don't hear spouses lifting their spouses up, but hear them making fun of them or complaining about them. (I've been guilty of this)  It was even cute how she was in a tizzy at the SAG stop because her husband was wanting her to hurry up and finish, because he had something go wrong with his bike.  He encouraged her to do the 100, but called and asked she just do the 59.  All she said was,  I thought he told me to go ahead and get my ride in, I guess for the sake of my marriage I will go ahead and get finished.  Don't we all know that feeling?  Our spouse tells us to do one thing then doesn't really mean it.  I can so relate.  The unfortunate thing is that I did not get pictures of these interesting people.

We finished our ride and my sweet husband helped pull me up and down all the hills with a 16.7 average.  Best I've ever done for that long.  I was really hoping to make it to 17 but I am proud of what I did.  I actually feel the most secure when I'm on his wheel and know he's watching out for me.  I know he is not purposefully going to do anything to hurt me, so I feel safe.

We then left and came back through Helen, GA and decided we needed a treat for supper and ate at the Bodensee.  What  fond memories of the Bodensee we have (the actual Bodensee in Germany)  I got speitzel and oh was it so good and rich.  What a great way to end a great day.

We got home and found a package on our doorstep.  John came running up and said look what we got, you won't believe who sent

us this.  On our trip down the Natchez, Trace we met a sweet older couple that we enjoyed talking to for quite a while.  We learned that he had just had open heart surgery and he was on his way home from Jackson, MS.  The wife had told me that he was a local artisan in Natchez and displayed his pottery at the Visitor's Center,  His name was Tom Hughes.  I found his work and bought a piece as a reminder of the visit we had at the rest area.  I wrote to him to let him know I found his work and I hoped he was healing well.  To our surprise he sent us two beautiful mugs that said enjoy the journey.  What a special treat!!

You never know who you might be striking up a conversation with.  I've learned that talking with those around us is so much fun to learn their stories and a little about them.  I feel so blessed to get to meet so many wonderful people.  Learning about relationships is not only about you and your spouse it's how you reach out to others.  How you meet others along the way.

I look back on this weekend and I think about all the things we did and I feel so blessed.  We get to do them because we have been together for so long.  We are empty nesters.  After twenty-three years we have lots of experiences both good and bad.  We have gone through a lot of history together and gained lots of passion for lots of different areas.  How fun and comfortable it is to be able to do it with your best friend.  I am saddened when I think of those that gave up when the going got tough with their mate and now in the empty nest years are on their own.  We are living such a rich life since our children are grown.  The hard times make our rewards now seem even greater.  I love this stage of my life.

When our life together ends I hope we will just remember how great those times were.  I truly am blessed to be married to my best friend.  I really hope you are too.  You look at the good times and build those up and you will have an exciting life together too.  I know it.  I've changed my perspective and it has changed me.

Thank You for Being My Friend!!

Back in December I taught a class called Marriage 911 for individuals and couples that were really in trouble.  I follow a curriculum that has been developed by Joe and Michelle Williams from Modesto, CA.  Their website is http://www.reconcilinggodsway.com/ and their information is so helpful for couples in crisis.  One of the areas that we neglect so many times or we let it get out of control is our friendships. They can go both ways and be a problem.  I have couples that one will spend too much time with their friends and neglect the spouse or there may be an isolation from friends.  An individual may get too involved with work, kids or house etc... and they neglect the friendship portion of their needs.

Years ago, John started meeting with several guys every Thursday AM for accountability and prayer
and just a time to talk with guys.  I always saw this as a positive, he needed that guy time.  I started praying that I would be able to have the same thing happen with some girls.  I had become isolated with all my kids stuff that I was doing and friends had to be put on the back burner.  God was so good and got me doing a STRANGE thing.  My BFF challenged me to do a sprint triathalon with her when we turned 50.  Our kids were all out of the house and I needed something to spur me into getting some exercise.  So I said yes.

I started training in January and went every AM at 5:30 to run swim or spin.  Through that I met a friend and we started running outside.   She and I then started doing the spin class and we met other friends.  Eventually we started running outside together and we met some more friends.  Then from there it's been history.  We have a group that has met every morning at 5:30 to exercise then go to Panera Bread to get coffee.  I guess since we have suffered together for so long we have just become so close.  It's been a great group to hang with,  we have gotten pretty well known in the community.  I guess kinda like the Golden Girls or something.  But we talk about everything and just enjoy each other's company.

Well, that Tri brought me into biking and I started with just my husband going with me and he got real enthusiastic about it and history was made again.

It started off with my precious friend Karen who encouraged me and kept me going in group rides.  We started doing a ride at the north part of the county and I gotta have rewards when I exercise and more times than not it's food.  Karen suggested let's go get a milkshake after we finished our ride.  That soon became our ritual that summer on Tuesday nights.  It started with her and me and we added our friend Sandy and then the word got out about how much fun we were having at the Burger Den and this year we had way over 100 join us for the Milkshake Ride.  But these friends have become some of the dearest friends.  I have one friend that claimed she was my frog in the pocket and joined me for my 5 at 55 year when I did two tri's, 2 metrics and a century.  She was awesome.  Suffered every mile with me and we bonded forever.

I look back now and I realize how enriched my life is with so many dear friends.  I am a better wife

because of my friends.  We don't get together and husband bash we lift our families up!! We talk about ideas and goals not people and it's so refreshing.  That makes us grow and become better partners.  We have experiences to share with our spouses and we are not totally dependent on our spouses.  But I am blessed that my spouse encourages it.  He has also developed some very close friends through this process.  Who would have ever guessed seven years ago when I said yes to a goal I would gain so much more.

I hope you will look at how you can develop yourself into a better person by being with other people that share common goals.  Share the challenges, sufferings and celebrations.  We are meant to have relationships.  They are all important for us to be the very best we can be.

Trust is an Issue

While I was biking in the pace line with at least 25 fellow bikers I was thinking how important trust is in so many areas of our lives.  This particular night I was on the wheel of my sweet husband and I was so relieved. For the past several weeks when I have ridden in the paceline with this particular group it has been a struggle.  There was a lot of yo-yoing, a term we use to describe where we speed up and slow down but don't keep a steady pace.  This caused a lot of anxiety with several of us older bikers.  We like a nice steady ride, but when there is a lot of yo-yoing there is a lot more work and sometimes someone has a greater tendency to get dropped off the back.   As our leader said we have to trust the person in front enough to stay right on

them.  Right now we have a lot of newer folks and we don't know them well enough to trust them. Trust takes time and experience.  You have to know that you won't wreck when you are on their wheel, or that they won't make a sudden stop and you have to maneuver really quickly.  When I'm on the wheel of my husband I know how he rides, I know I can trust him.  I know he's looking out for me and will not leave me.

All of this seemed to correlate to marriages and relationships.  My friend, Dr. John Van Epp has put it right there in the RAM

(relationship attachment model) in his book, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk,  that you have to know someone before you can trust them.  And you have to trust them before you can rely on them.  How wonderful it is to have someone in your life that you know so well that you can trust and rely on them completely.  I am so blessed to have that with my sweet husband.  For twenty-three years we have been going steadily through our journey.   Because I had a relationship before that I could not trust it took a bit longer to be able to trust him completely.  Now, when I think of him during the day, I feel confident that I can picture where he is and what he's doing when we are not together.  That is a relief for me.  As with biking I trust him so I can relax.  I can use the energy that I would have to use trust him elsewhere, and be more efficient with my emotional energy.  I have peace about our relationship.

One of the things I have learned after twenty-three years wit this man is that he loves me and doesn't want to purposely hurt me.  So when things go wrong I can say that to myself and see the good in what he's doing.  I don't automatically assume that he's out to get me.  That's a huge relief!!! It keeps us from fights and we can talk things through much easier when we realize this simple truth.

Shane Adams and expert rider was trying to give me tips the other night about being more efficient

when I'm riding.  He said to trust the person in front of you to stay about 6 inches away from them and slowly ease up and back when riding the paceline.  I got behind him, I stayed 6 inches away, I rode smooth as silk, but then I thought, I'm doing this because I trust him.  I know he knows what he's doing just as I trust John.  Trust is a huge factor in so many parts of my life.  If trust has been abused in a relationship, that person will tend to have trust issues in many areas of their lives.  I've noticed that as my trust with John has become very steady I am more trusting of others to a certain extent.  I trust them till I see them mess up.  Then I keep them at a distance till I can trust them again.  Some I get closer to, but others I never get very close to because I can't trust them.

Are you trustworthy?  Do you do what you say you're going to do? Do you walk the walk that you talk?  I hope so.  If not you might find your relationships in trouble.  Hope this is helpful to you.