How Do YOU Keep Your Family Together

Many years ago when I started my second marriage I listened to the 7 Keys of successful Marriage ( I think that's the name of it) by Gary Smalley.  It was a video series that I made the guy I was dating watch (who happens to be my sweet husband).  This was a great series that helped us tremendously by starting our marriage with the skills and thoughts that would lead to success especially after both of us had failed marriages.  When I listened, the most profound point I heard and that stuck with me was you need to suffer together.  When a family has trials and they make it through the trials and they actually suffer they bond.  Well, I wanted this stepfamily to bond, and one of the things he said, was that you could put the suffering in by doing something together as a family that might entail some suffering.  He gave the suggestion of camping.  

He tells the story of how his family bought a motor home and headed out and all the escapades with Greg (the oldest) and the other three children and truly bonded.  They had all kinds of great stories.  It sounded just like the movie "RV".  Well, I thought, "I can camp, I have a tent in my garage".  So I convinced John that we needed to camp.  So off we went with five children between the ages of two and ten and headed to Fall Creek Falls about one and a half hours away.  We set up our tent got out the Coleman stove and seemed to be having a wonderful time.  As bedtime rolled around the temperature dropped.  Our sleeping bags were not that heavy and we had some little children that were starting to get very cold.  We all huddled together.  The kids were crying "why did we have to come camping?"  I remember having some candy and gave it out to the kids and our youngest daughter Julie chomped down on that m&m and lost her first tooth.  She cried and cried.  It seemed I had created a disaster.  Everyone was miserable!!!

Years later we looked on that experience and many other camping experiences and found them to be some of the most wonderful highlights in our life.  We laugh about all the disasters, getting up in the middle of the night, hearing the raccoons getting into our stuff and having burned macaroni at the campsite.  Those assimilated tough times did help to bond us.  It was a gift I am very grateful that Gary Smalley gave to my family.  To this day, I recommend many stepfamilies to "go Camping" have some tough times.

I was blessed to have someone share the quote above "The couples that are Meant to be are the ones who go through everything that is designed to tear them apart and come out even stronger".   There are many things that could have torn John and me apart, but we chose to weather through them.  There were times I did not want to keep going.  Kevin Leaman's title "Living in a Stepfamily without Getting Stepped On" rang true to me.  I felt left out and unimportant so many times.  I felt my opinions would never matter.  But now twenty-two years later,  I watch our kids talk about those times and laugh.  We laugh the hardest at the times when I really messed things up.  But I can see now that our kids love each other as adults and really enjoy the memories that we gave to them, in spite of some being tougher than others.

When I consider the tough times I go right to one of my favorite Bible Verses Romans 8:28.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  So those times we thought were the toughest if we hold tight and let God do His work, you will see the good He creates.

Wish me luck,  I'm bonding again.  Next week John and I will be biking 440 miles on the Natchez Trace.  I refused to camp on this trip, but I know we will have some great bonding time.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

So what are some of the tough times that you have shared that have "BONDED" you together?  Share them on this blog or on the Facebook post if you read this.

The Dinner Table Keeps the Family Together

I don't know if you know this fact, but if the family eats together 3 times or more there is greater chance that this family will stay together and have a more balanced life.  In fact as I was reading an article about the family dinner time, it said that the more the family eats together the more healthy the food, the more conversation takes place and the more enjoyable the meal is.  Wow,  the dinner table is pretty important then.  I know that when my kids were growing up we made a family rule that the TV was to be off, dinner was at 6:30 and that you were expected to eat a bite of everything on your plate.  Seems like a simple idea and yes, but I'm not sure why so many people fail at this.  Only 37% of families have a regular dinner time.  Those that are not successful leave the TV on while they eat.  To be honest,  my husband, John and I have found that we violate this rule too frequently now that the children are grown.  We tend to eat out more often and eat in front of the TV more.  When we do, we find that our conversations are richer and we enjoy that time immensely.

Convincing families of this is a little tricky.  I am reminiscent of the scene in the "Blind Side" where Michael had just come to the family and spent Thanksgiving with the family.  On that day Leanne Touhy had not cooked but bought the meal and it was emphasized that she did this infrequently.  As all the family members made themselves comfortable in front of the TV to watch the football game, "Big Mike" went to the dining room table and sat down to eat his meal.  He had not had the luxury of a table many times and wanted to enjoy that small little luxury.  Leeanne noticed what he did and responded by calling all the family in, turned off theTV and sat at the table.  The scene was very touching to me.  I talk with so many families and encourage them to do this and they will tell me they don't have a dining  table, but they have a TV in every room.  That makes me so sad for these families.  Such a simple practice can make a profound difference in the stability of a family.

Implementing this after years of not doing it is a challenge also.  The mom & dad must be the lead.  Preferably the dad making the supportive movement with the mom and making it a team effort.  I know my husband instituted the rules when my children were babies.  I think it was when they were big enough to sit in a high chair.  We have carried this habit on for 22 years.  Our children have so many funny memories of the dinner table conversations and the foods that we would eat.  I remember one move we made in changing the place of our daughter to a different place because she could not quit looking at herself in the mirror in the buffet.  Or the times when my husband's kids would come over and someone would sit out of place, there would be a big ruckus as to "that's not your place".  Such fond memories.

What are your memories and how have you implemented this great habit in your home?

Step Families or Blended Families

Around 65% of our children are being raised in step family homes.  Wow!! That's a large number.  75% of us are involved in stepfamilies either parents, children or grandparents.  So this is a huge challenge.  I am hoping it's helpful to give some resources that I have found to be very helpful.  There are some leaders in this area that are doing a lot of study which is really helpful.  Ron Deal, a marriage and family therapist has been doing research in this area for at least 20 years.  I find his information very helpful.  He has a lot of statistics in this area that are helpful to understand if you are in a step family situation.  Ron Deal's website has a wealth of information for blended or stepfamilies.   One of his recent works has been with Dr. David Olson in designing the The ReMarriage Checkup is especially helpful for couples or small groups.  But Ron has a lot of different information on this site that I think you will find VERY helpful.  His books are easy to read and very applicable.

Elizabeth Einstein's work is one of the first that I read.  I found it helpful, but I liked Ron Deal's Faith-based approach a little better.  But it's got some very helpful information.  She has actually experienced the stepfamily situation several times in her own life where Ron has not.

One of my favorite authors is Nancy Landrum.  She utilizes some communication techniques called "Relationship Enhancement" that I have found to be very helpful with couples.  By teaching the techniques it allows the couples to discuss some of the more difficult issues more effectively and a little easier.  She also brings some very pertinent points in for the couples to discuss.  Nancy has also been in a stepfamily situation, which I find easier to relate to.   It seems like her information really resonated with me, so I like to use her program "Mastering the mysteries of Stepfamilies" in our organization.

Parenthood in America has some good articles on stepparenting which are also sound and good to read.   The National Stepfamily Resources  is another very good site for articles and information about stepfamilies and how to function effectively.  Dr. Francesca Adler-Baeder has done a great job designing programs for stepfamilies.

One of the points that I heard from Ron Deal was that Stepfamilies are very complicated.  Most of us in a stepfamily situation don't want to admit that there are different challenges.  Most marriage books and programs don't go into the stepfamily situation so couples that have remarried are expected to make the information that is given to original families work in their situation, which in many cases doesn't work and they give up.  I hope this is helpful and that you will seek more information on how to give your family the greatest chance to stay together.  Don't give up.  My husband and I have blended our families together for 22 years.  Some times it was literally a blender and other times it was a mixer or chopper.  The greatest thing we did was to give our children the stability of knowing that we were going to stay together and love them no matter what.  I encourage you to do the same.  Happy blending!!

Having the BEST family yet!!

Well, I think I have some that are reading this, but not sure, if you could post and follow that would be great.  I still have the golf umbrella I'd love to give away with the dating my spouse cards.  Just like us on Facebook then follow us on the blog.  Would like to hear a comment.

As I've been working with families for over twenty years I'm noting those that stay intact are the ones that take seriously some good habits.  Just recently I had a post from Megan that told me that I had told her to keep the date nights going even when the babies are little.  They tried and it was hard, but have committed once again to doing the Dating My Spouse week every month and they are back in the habit.  Their family is thriving!

Since I started this organization my heart has always been for those couples with small children.  Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman InstituteGottman institute has done voluminous studies to determine what makes a successful marriage.  One of the things that I have taken to heart is I  as a medical professional (not just me, but anyone) have the greatest influence for the marriage during the nine months of pregnancy and three months following the delivery.  I'm not sure why but speculate that the bonding time and chemical hormones are ripe at that time to help the couples trust and learn.  So I have adapted into my practice of well care to ask the family how they are doing.  Are they married? If not why not?  What can we do to help them?  Then I ask if you're married when are you going to start the date night time again.

Babies and children can cause "whirlwinds" in our lives.  We get focused on all the needs of this child or that and the busy-ness that we forget the one thing that is the most essential for a child's health, which is two healthy loving biological parents.  Taking the hour during this busy time to give your husband time on a date away from the child can mean the health or death of a marriage.  It is during this time that a couple can reconnect and share and remember why they are together.  When one or the other of the couple does not feel important there is a greater chance the marriage can fail.

Sometimes it's the simple things that are the hardest to implement.  Taking the time, putting the money in the budget and actually acting on it is essential.  I want to encourage you to trust your babies to someone, for just one hour.  When I would do that I had a different perspective, I could be a better mom and my husband was a better dad.  We worked better as a team.  What can I do to encourage those of you with the little ones to TAKE THE TIME away from them.  They will be ok!!!.

A year to help our children

This week as I was seeing my precious little ones in the Well Clinic, I walked into a room and saw a very sad 10 year old and a bouncy but slower than usual 4 year old.  Not too different than usual, but it struck me as odd cause I knew this child and didn't remember her being so sad.   Her little face was so precious but those lips were turned down ward and the eyes were moist.  I looked at her and said " you aren't usually this sad to see me what's going on?"  Huge alligator tears started rolling down her cheeks and she couldn't even speak.  Her chin was quivering and face went downward.  I looked at her mom and said  "My goodness, what's happening?"  She said "She's been like this for quite some time.  I can't get her out of this crying, she won't do anything without crying, that's why we are here."  I asked Mom what was happening, was anything different at school, does she have friends, how's her grades?  Mom said all was good but her teachers say she cries a lot.  I said what's happened at home.  Mom looked and said "Well, her stepdad left about a year ago, but that's all".  That's all?  I looked at this sweet girl and asked her the next question, "When was the last time you talked with your Daddy?"  Mom said she does that a lot, but she looked at me and said, "I don't remember when I talked to him".  It may have been last week, but when Daddy is not in the home, the children cannot remember and it seems like it's an eternity.  Mom then said I know she must miss her step dad.  I didn't get that feeling, I asked her do you miss your Daddy or your stepdaddy?  She looked at me and said, "My Daddy".  

We may think that the children are flexible, but they are not.  I almost need a special code for this diagnosis in children.  I was listening today to a sermon and I heard an interesting statistic,  more children are exhibiting symptoms of anxiety today than adults exhibited in the 1950's.  Children are supposed to be so happy go lucky.

Here's another case,  walked into the room right after my lunch break to a 12 year old with her grandmother holding her.  Grandmother looks at me and says,  "I'm going to have to have some medicine to deal with this"  the child had been experiencing agoraphobia for the past month.  This is the fear of being around people.  She was not able to go to school, as soon as she would get into her classroom she would start sobbing uncontrollably.  Looking into her story.  Grandmother was raising her, mom was not in the picture at all and daddy came occasionally.

Yes, I know this has been going on throughout history, but why does it seem to be more now than it was 50 years ago?  Why do the children seem to be worse?  How has this happened?

I was blessed this past Tuesday when I got to meet a gentleman that has a similar passion as mine.  A passion to see families have a better chance to stay together by getting the word out about how devastating divorce is.  We want to debunk the myth that the children bounce easily.  How long will we tell this lie!  Greg Griffin has found this to be a lie also and has watched his precious boys suffer through his divorce.  He wants to make a difference here in Georgia as I do.  He has started working to change the laws for irreconcilable differences divorce laws to give a full year of discernment before filing for divorce with education for the couple.  We know that the states that have a longer discernment period such as South Carolina, and Maryland, the divorces decrease tremendously.  People have a second chance to think about what they want to do.  But I think that one thing that needs to make sure to happen is that there is education that goes along with this period.  You don't know what it's like until you have actually experienced it.  Waiting IS helpful.

We really need to think about this for the Children's Sake!!   If you know a state senator and can help us make a difference here in Georgia, would you please help us to get this change passed?  Let me know.

We're giving away Dating My Spouse Cards worth up to $200 or more

Ok,  here's the catch!! We want you to like our blog.  If you are reading on Facebook, please go in and register and become a follower.  Share with your friends.  Like us on Facebook and make a comment on our blog. What kind of information would you like to see on our site or what do you think we are doing that is working?

BUT you gotta live in the area!!  Won't work if you live in Atlanta or California, ok?

We are starting this today, March 7 and ending it on Sunday, March 10.  Just in time for the March Dating My Spouse Week.

The First one to do this will get a Cohutta Banking Golf Umbrella and a Dating My Spouse Card,  which could be a big plus when you go out next week.  Let's see what happens here.

Ok one more time.
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Kathy

Empty Nester and Loving IT!

To tell you the truth when I was young I didn't necessarily think "I want to grow up and be an empty nester".  But I did want to be a mom and grandma and experience life in a lot of different ways.  I never really understood the freedom we have but also the responsibility we have.

As Empty nesters we enjoy the freedom to take off on the weekend or whenever and just enjoy ourselves.  Take for instance this weekend,  we took off a day from work and John is riding his bike and experiencing the outdoors and I'm with my daughter's family enjoying our grandson.  We can take off and not feel the responsibility as we did when we were raising our family.

But would I have wished I could always been an empty nester.  Not at all.  Our lives are richer for the experiences we have had with our children.  The challenges and the joys that come with raising children.  We had to find time to be together and enjoy each other just like everyone else.  We had to find the balance and as we found the balance we grew closer to each other.

I find it funny now that we are through raising our kids we are doing stuff we told them not to do such as "let the dog on the furniture" or "eating dessert first" or eating no vegetables in a day.  We had to set the example back then and we now have the freedom to do it or not.  But we also need to show responsibility also.  I've heard of too many marriages breaking up during the empty nest period.   We can take our freedom too far.  having a free marriage thinking that now the kids are grown it doesn't matter what we do or if we stay together is not necessarily good.  We still influence our kids and now our grandkids.    It still causes great confusion when parents break up after their kids are grown.  Our children wonder whether marriage is really worth it.   I know I value my marriage and I'm committed to it.  I want my children to have great marriages so I need to continue to set a good example.  

So even though we have the empty nest we still have responsibility.  I hope I can encourage young couples to find time together so that you have a history of fun and great memories as a couple when the kids are little,  you prepare in the younger years for the great times you can have when the kids are grown.  I want to encourage the empty nesters to set the example for your kids.  So they look at you and can say, I can't wait till we can be empty nesters together.   What's your experience with empty nesting?