A Different Perspective

 At our recent fundraising affair with Bobby Bowden I gained some insight that I really did not think would happen that night.  Kind of a serendipity.  I was getting ready for the evening and getting a little overwhelmed with all that needed to be finished in such a short amount of time so I delegated a task to my husband.  I gave him the task to decorate our table.  I had spent several weeks planning in my head how I wanted to decorate the table and what materials I would use etc...  I gave him all those materials and asked him to put them together.  I don't know what I was thinking, because I did not give him any directions on my thoughts of how I wanted it done.  He

knew that I was overwhelmed at that point and knew better than to ask for details and he thought (I'm sure) that he had this under control.  I assumed he would not do this task at all and would just stick the stuff on the table.  Much to my amusement I saw him working diligently on the table about an hour into the prep time and he had created the above.  Now I will tell you this, it was not what I had envisioned. He had not used the flowers I had bought or the coke bottles that I had also bought.  But, the task was done.  He actually did a very creative design and I was quite impressed.  I then looked around the room at all the other creations and each was very special and unique but was a creation from each person's own perspective.

As I look back on this incident I learned a great lesson or two.  First, I could trust him with a task and he would come through.  Second, we have two different perspectives.  He had all the materials that I had bought but his design was totally different than what I had designed in my head.  His perspective was different, not wrong or right, but different.  He saw a totally different picture than I did.  Each of us views things differently.  We have different histories, and different pictures in our brains, so many times when we disagree it's because we have different perspectives.  We may want to say that it is wrong, but can you really say that?  We have to put ourselves in their shoes or see things from their perspective.  When we can try to see things from another's perspective we can have a better understanding.

I was listening to a podcast today by James McDonald on forgiveness and one point he was making was that when we are forgiving someone we are to be kind and tenderhearted.  I loved how he pointed out what tenderhearted meant.  Tenderhearted means to have a heart for someone else.  That you have their perspective and you embrace and accept their perspective.

When someone does something that might hurt you or does something that you just don't quite get try to see it from their perspective.  Then the thing that I have learned is that you have to find the good in it.  I don't believe people, especially those that love you and care for you want the worst for you.  Say to yourself "what were they thinking?" When you do you will have a much easier time being kind and tenderhearted.

Life Is Crazy!!

Life has gotten to be wild and crazy!! I feel like I've lost control to some extent, but yet so much continues to happen.  I let my blog go for a while because I felt like I needed to show attention to my husband's needs.   He loves to travel and go on adventures, so when summer hit we had our children coming and going and he had a goal of doing RAGBRAI again this year.  After riding with him on many Tuesday evening group rides and weekend rides, I came to the conclusion that he gives me so very much and I need to return to him at least time and attention.  He allows me time to work on this initiative and supports me in many ways.  So when  I realized that I needed to think of his needs over my own, I realized how important it was for him that I go with him on RAGBRAI.  Yes, he would have and easily could have done this on his own, but it was much more enjoyable to share this experience with me.  On several occasions he told me how much he wished I was going with him.  I finally came to the conclusion and was inspired to join him on this ride.  But, it was a sacrifice in other areas.  I don't regret the time we had and actually look back and have some great memories, lessons and growth from the experience.  But, it's taken me a while to get back on track.

Last week was our largest fundraiser dinner we have ever attempted.  We brought Coach Bobby Bowden in, one of my dreams, to speak.  But that required a lot of time and energy too.  It was an awesome experience too!  A great man that has an uncanny ability to share his heart in a straight forward manner, without being politically correct and gets the point across so effectively and non-threateningly. But,  I'm still recovering from that too.

Recently one of my board members shared a great book with me by the Steven Covey organization, The 4 Disciplines of Executions, Achieving your Wildly Important Goals.  Once I began to read this book I realized how effective this was, not just in leadership in an organization but also in your personal life.  One of the things that it brought out was that we can all get distracted by our "whirlwinds".  These whirlwinds are the activities just as I have mentioned above that keep you from accomplishing your Wildly Important Goals.  But what are yours and my Wildly Important Goals?  Are my goals to focus on my husband and family and meet their needs?  Are my goals to serve others?  Are my goals to do what God calls me to do?  I have come to the conclusion that I need to constantly keep the goals of my life intact so that I am doing what God calls me to do.  I need to constantly visit these goals so that I am making sure my goals for my personal coincide with my professional life.

So with all these considerations I have come to the conclusion as I read today, that my life is about putting others first so that I can be totally dependent on God to take care of all of my needs.   When I do that I have seen the mighty things that He accomplishes through me, which I am a very insignificant human body, to accomplish what he wants.  I want to meet the needs of my husband and family and show them the love and acceptance that they need.  And then I want to serve my community with love to encourage others to have strong healthy families so that the children that I see can have a better chance in this world.

In conclusion,  I want to keep my focus in the right place, so I hope you will understand when certain whirlwinds get in my way.  I pray that I will reach my Wildly Important Goals by keeping myself focused on the right things.  I hope this might be helpful to you too.  So here's to a new start to my blog and away we go!!!

Is Your Child's Asthma affected by Your Marriage?

In 2007 a study by the CDC reported that over 9 million children were reported to have the diagnosis of asthma.  They studied this information to see if the family structure affected whether a child's asthma was kept under control.   What they found was very interesting: 

1. Children living with biological or adoptive parents—either in nuclear families or unmarried biological or adoptive families—were less likely to have ever suffered from asthma than children in the remaining family types 
2. Children in single-parent families were more likely than children in nuclear families to have asthma regardless of their gender, race/ethnicity, parent’s education, family’s poverty status, place of residence, or region.  
3. Among children with private health insurance, those living in nuclear families (10.4%) were less likely to have asthma than children in single-parent (15.3%), unmarried biological or adoptive (15.5%), blended (13.7%), extended (13.9%), or other (18.7%) families. Among children with Medicaid, those living in nuclear (11.4%) and unmarried biological or adoptive (9.3%) families were less likely to have asthma than children in single-parent (20%), blended (15.3%), cohabiting (16.5%), extended (16.4%), or other (17%) families.  

I think this is rather interesting, but that may be because I see it so much in my practice.  The #1 Children living with biological or adoptive parents were less likely to have ever suffered from asthma.  That doesn't mean that there are not children in two-biological homes that suffer from asthma, there are! But what it's saying is that children in a nuclear or two-parent home have less chance of suffering from asthma.  

I can understand now how this might be affecting the children.  When there are two parents in the home, there is more help.  In other words, it's not just mom that has to watch for the symptoms and give the medications.  When I have children going back and forth from one home to the other the compliance is a bit more tricky.  Parents don't seem to be on the same page, there are some control issues that keep the child from being cared for and children or parents may forget the medicines.  

It might be thought of as not that big of a deal when a child forgets his/her medicine for the weekend, unless they have an asthma attack.  Asthma can kill.  I have seen children die from asthma attacks.  We have learned so much in the last few years on how to control asthma, but the medicines are a big part and it has to be daily medication.  How do you remedy this when you have two parents fighting over issues and medications are forgotten or not sent.  Or you have a single mom that is trying to survive with children and she forgets to give the medication or remind the child to take the medication.  

So this is definitely a problem.  If we know this when we do a well check or even when we do our asthma re-checks we can actually prevent the problems and help the family problem-solve.  We as medical providers MUST be advocates for the patient or the child.  If we ask non-judgementally "Are you guys married, do you live together?" then you have a better idea how to work with the family.  Also when we make notes in our charts regarding this it allows the next healthcare provider or even the present to remember the situation and work within the parameters of what the family has to work.  

This is definitely a way to prevent Asthma from being out of control.I see this as what Obamacare was originally thought to do.  When we prevent big problems such as uncontrolled asthma we can save money in our tax dollars, the children will lose less time at school and tend to do better at school and parents will have less time off of work because they have to take child to the doctor.  Seems like a Win-Win to me.  What do you think?  

Family Structure and Children’s Health in the United States: Findings From the National Health Interview Survey, 2001–2007, Vital and Health Statistics, Series 10, #26, December 2010.  

Should Marriage be talked about in the the Medical Office?

If you know me you know how passionate I feel about marriage and how it effects our children.  We are seeing more and more research that demonstrates this.  Several colleagues have questioned my desire to check with a family about how their marriage is doing.  They have expressed that this is not part of the anticipatory guidance that is needed for a child or that this is getting too personal and it's really none of a healthcare provider's business to ask these questions.  A healthcare provider should focus only on the patient's health and it's inappropriate to ask anything else.  Well, I am proposing that this is one of the MOST important ways to determine how the child is doing.  

Twenty years ago I started using a form that was provided by the government as a good check off list for anticipatory guidance.  It did include a question about the marriage relationships and how the family is doing as well as summer safety, bicycle helmets and many other issues that are important for children's safety.  In the past twenty years we have done further research and found that when there is increased conflict that leads to violence there is a greater chance that the children will be effected emotionally.  So much so that this has been determined as one factor that allows the Children and Family Services to remove a child from the home. Why aren't we asking these questions?  Dr. John Gottman has found that when there is increased violence in the home the child has many more illnesses.  So why don't we ask before we get into this situation?  Could it not be helpful to get them resources before violence occurs?  Could we prevent some problems such as non-compliance, depression, neglect, and many other stress related illnesses? We are more comfortable giving them summer safety advice and helmet safety rather than talking about relationships and how they effect a child's health.   If we do not talk about this or ask the questions do you think the patient might bring it up? 

To be honest many years ago when I was going through my tough divorce, I felt like my medical

provider would be a good resource for finding help for the children emotionally.  Unfortunately, my provider had no clue.  Most medical providers a very much trusted by their clients, so much so that they will reveal very intimate information that may not be revealed to anyone else.  If they are trusted this much don't you think it's pretty important to encourage them to get good information or to refer to good resources to prevent the problems that troubled relationships can have.  

I remember when I was young there were so many physicians that smoked, it was not even considered

a medical problem.  There were just a very few that were willing to challenge their patients on their smoking habits.  Other colleagues would scoff and seem to think it wasn't a problem. But look what we have now.  There are tobacco quit lines, all kinds of stop smoking classes and devices, because we found out it does effect our heath and life expectancy and the money we pay out for our medical insurance.  

Another recent example is the weight problem that we see.  Many 

would not address the weight of their  patients.  I remember a friend of mine being so offended because her physician labeled her as obese.  But it needed to be said.  We as healthcare providers need to be pointing out where people can improve their health.  We are not doing what we are expected to do if we don't address the issues.  But the majority of providers will not ask the question, "How's your marriage doing?" or "Are you two married?  why not?"  That might be too uncomfortable, it might offend someone, it might make them leave the practice.  I believe that most people want to know what they can do to improve their health.  But you have to say it in a way that it can be accepted.  Just as saying your fat can prove to be ineffective, you can't ask any personal question without being upfront and honest but doing it in love.  

I would love to know what you think.  Do you think this should be talked about?  Who do you ask these kind of questions.  Over the next couple of weeks I'm going to be looking at the health of your marriage and how it effects your health.  Let me know if this is helpful, ok?  Thanks for reading. 

Being Mimi, Mom and so much more

Being a "Mimi" is one of the greatest things.  I loved my kids, and now I LOVE my grandkids.  Whenever I go anywhere it's like I'm constantly looking for cool stuff that the kids will like.  I hear that there are others that do this too.  Some of these stores have SUCKER written all over it.

This past week my daughter Jennifer and I took our mom/daughter trip all the way out to Branson.  I had no idea how far it really was.  13 hours with a 6 month old is a bit of a challenge (yes we had the baby with us, he's attached right now).  Both were real troopers!!!  Caffrey wasn't too keen on the carseat after the first 13 hour trip.  Can't say that I blame him.  But he slept alot and seemed to handle it pretty well.

It's always great to have some time to talk with kids. I miss having my kids in the car with me.  That was always the best talking time.  They would tell me about their day and what was bugging them etc.  Jenn and I enjoyed that time again.  So wonderful to catch up.  To hear her points of view on motherhood, being a pastor's wife and life in general.  To be honest I was a little apprehensive about the trip.  I only messed up once, well maybe twice.  I noticed that the time she gets most upset is when I try to tell her I understand.  Well, it's been 24 years since I've been in her situation and I probably have forgotten some of the trauma of a being a mom and hearing your baby crying.  I quickly had to apologize, because I don't remember how it felt.  I just know it must hurt to hear your baby cry.  I do remember being in distress when she would cry all the way home from Columbus, GA to Dalton, GA. That was distressing and she screamed the whole time.

The other neat thing I now know she is experiencing is the need to be whole with her family.  She

missed her husband, just as I missed mine.  It's really weird, but you do feel a little lost without your other half there.  They are used to working as a team with their baby and they have that down pat.  And that's the way it's supposed to be!!!   God made two parents to be the mommy and the daddy.  She kept saying "I don't know how people do it without a husband to help!"  I did a lot of my kids by myself and I know, it wasn't easy.  It's easier to give in and do mess up and say the wrong things and not get corrected.  It's easier to do just let them watch that show and to go along with the crowd.   It's easier to go through the drive thru than it is to sit down with your kids as a single-mom family.  So I'm very proud of her for seeing how tough it is.  As she said, it's tough enough with both of us.

She also gave me great insight into what I did right as a mom.  I am still amazed that we have five kids that we blended together and they are starting to really enjoy being together and they all love Jesus.  The latter is what I'm most proud of.  I asked her what did we do that was different.  She told me it was our Friday night worships with our kids.  We used to sing and then tell a story every Friday night we had the kids.  We created a tradition about dinner that evening and our time together.  They all tell different stories about those evenings.  Trevor reminded me tonight about how he hated that we would have Chinese food.  He would always end his prayers with AMENT.  When we get our kids home on a Friday evening, they still enjoy our Friday night worship time.

I remember so many walks on the beach with my precious husband praying about our children.  I knew

the odds for them turning out good were not as high as if they had all had their own parents together.  I knew also that the only thing that would make the difference would be prayer.  So pray we did.  We had a regular 3 mile walk on the beach at our "beach" in Jacksonville.   John would start praying and go through the oldest to the youngest to our parents and I would follow and do the same.  Those walks were so precious and sacred to me.  I miss them so very much.  I remember praying at the end, please let them know you, love you and serve you.   God is so good, he's letting me see my prayer being answered.  They each talk about how they love Jesus.  In 3 weeks we will get our oldest granddaughters as their parents go on a mission trip to New Orleans.  What a joy to have the girls, but especially knowing that their mom and dad are serving Him is even more of a joy. (More on that when we get to experience it)  We can't wait to see where God is going to take each of them.

Experiencing our children as adults is a treat.  I'm so glad we can experience this together. God is good.  It's been worth the challenges that we had in the past to see the ends of the stories.  I wish I could say we did it perfectly, but we didn't.  I just know it took a lot of prayer and trust.    I hope this hasn't seemed like I'm bragging, but I am very proud of all of our children.  I know it really had nothing to do with John and Me except we trusted God to do what he was going to do.  I hope you see God as trustworthy too.  

Encourage don't Discourage

Fireproof has passed but I still love its message. So much good stuff in just the trainlers.    Many times I sit and listen to conversations of friends and family and I hear talk about this husband or this wife that they should definitely leave them.  My heart hurts when I hear that.  I have been so guilty of the same thing.  It's so easy to judge when we aren't living in their shoes.  One of the worst things I see us do as spouses is tear our spouse down to other people.  It's almost like we bring out their bad points to justify ourselves.  Yep, I'm guilty.  But I know that's so very harmful.  Over the years I have tried to encourage couples in their marriages.  No, I'm not a therapist, but I have found that when we encourage and bring out the good points of a spouse to a person they tend to go back and realize what they have. 

No, I'm not advocating unhealthy marriages where there is actual abuse, I'm just trying to say that many times we can help a couple get back on track by just bringing out the good points.  For twenty years I have been telling couples how important their marriage is to their children.  There have been some that share some pretty horrific stories about the put-downs the negativeness etc.  But years later they have come back to me to tell me they stayed and continued to work on their marriage and it worked.  They have been glad that they stayed.  I have read the research that states that those that stay in the marriage and WORK on getting through the challenges and conflicts are much happier in five years than those that gave up.  I'm just saying, try to work on it.  It's much better to find the good in the marriage and the person you are married to than constantly dwelling on the negative parts.

That is one thing I have been so encouraged with in my biking community friendships, We have a bunch of couples and we all lift up our spouses!! No they aren't perfect, but we really don't want to trade 'em in.  One friend shared her story about the challenges of constantly trying to keep him happy.  Doing all the things he wanted to do and leaving her feelings and wants and  desires on the back burner.  She eventually got tired of this and said phooey, I'm gonna do my own thing.  Well that's when she started biking.  A beautiful thing happened, she never put him down as she started doing her thing, she didn't try to push him to start doing it with her, but he eventually joined her after about a year.  Now  I watch as they have this beautiful relationship together.  They LOVE to be together but they also are very comfortable doing their own things.  There is a confidence we gain as we encourage our spouse but don't leave our thoughts, feelings and desires out.

I noticed this same thing in Fireproof in a scene when both partners were talking with their friends and saying how bad the other spouse was.  Most of their friends were saying you just need to leave him/her, except one, he said hang in there, it's definitely worth it. When there is one or two that can encourage and give them hope there is greater hope to save the marriage.  I want to encourage you to be a marriage champion and encourage someone in their marriage.  It's worth it for everyone.

My Daddy was the BEST!!!

This past Sunday was Father's Day and if I'd had my act together I would have written this blog earlier, but instead, I was participating in another triathlon and working at our local Church Event Messiah's Mansion.  So here goes.  I wanted to share some stories about my daddy.  My daddy was my hero.  I'm so proud of who he was and all that he accomplished.  To me he was an amazing man and if you knew his background that he overcame you would be blown away.

My dad grew up in Atlanta, well sort of.  He started off in Alabama.  His dad died either before he was born or soon after.  His mom struggled with this loss I'm sure and remarried several times.  My dad did not like his stepdads and had told me on a couple of occasions that he was treated very mean by them.  He ran away at a very young age to his aunt's house.  She kept taking him back but he would persist in coming back to her home.  She finally kept him and raised him as her own.  He didn't have his own bedroom, but slept on the couch.  He failed school because he changed schools so many times before the eighth grade.  When he was old enough his aunt sent him to a Christian Boarding School in North Carolina.  He talked many times about the Howards who befriended him and loved him as a son.  I remember visiting them many times as a child.  My dad had great respect for Pastor Howard.  He actually did very well at the school.  Worked very hard for his room and board and his senior year he became the class president.  Everyone liked him, and wanted him to be around.  My dad had a great sense of humor and was always laughing and smiling.  Apparently he did not make a really good choice his senior year by hanging around a boy that influenced him to join him on an evening escapade.  It was totally innocent, but he got caught and his privilege of speaking at graduation was taken from him.  He had a lot of regret over that situation.

After graduation he joined the army to do his part in WWII.  I used to love to hear his stories about his army experience.  His faith played a huge part in his life while serving his country.  Those stories influenced me in many ways, I believe my faith is stronger from his stories.  He had some challenges while in the army, but with his great personality, intelligence and skills he survived very well.  He actually had a part that he played in D-day.  I remember going to visit England and I wanted to see the town that he was stationed at.  I remember him saying he would be eating supper outside and a german bomber would come through and he could actually see the eyes of the pilot.

After surviving that experience he got out of the army and decided to use his GI bill to pay for his college.  He went to a Christian College and got a business degree.   But little did he know that was not where he would stop.  His friend Pastor Howard knew him well and knew he had potential and encouraged him to go to medical school.  He finished all the prerequisites then applied to Loma Linda University in California.  When he applied, the challenges that he had going through the boarding school came back to haunt him.  He almost didn't get into medical school but his friend, Pastor Howard, went to bat for him and he was accepted in the class of 52 I believe.  He graduated in the top 1/3 of his class and I want to say that he was 3rd.  Pretty good for a kid that failed out of grade school.

He met my mom and they married after just 3 months of dating.  Oh the funny stories they share about how they got together and spending their honeymoon camping with some friends.  The odds should have been against them for making it in their marriage, but they were married for 64 years before he passed away.  They had a great marriage.  They lost their first child, which was devastating but brought them closer together as a couple.  He became one of the Mighty Six first doctors that started the new hospital here in Dalton.  People to this day come up to me and say that he either delivered him or was their mom's doctor or something.  He was one of the great doctors in the golden age of medicine.  He used to take me on house calls with him.  I remember being dressed in my nightgown ready to go to bed and he would bring us with him to see a patient.  I remember being six years old, way too young to be up on the floor to do rounds with him and he would let me ride in the elevator until he was finished. I loved to hang out at the hospital with him.  I had a little nurse outfit with a cape and cap and I would wear that to his office to help put patients in the rooms.  I loved it when he would ring the bell and say "2cc's of penicillin" I wanted to badly to learn how to give shots.

He later built nursing homes for so many of his patients.  They were nice, but I knew I did not want my parents to be there. I went to work in those nursing homes at the age of 14 and have been nursing ever since.  I loved watching my dad care for his patients.  He knew just how to make them feel heard and loved but be very efficient.  He told me that he saw over 100 patients one day when there was a flu

epidemic.  I knew that my dad would answer my call whenever I would call his office.  That was one of the greatest comforts to me, to know that he was always there for me.  Through the years I listened and learned so much from my dad.  One of my favorite memories is when he was in the hospital to have his rotator cuff repaired (an avid golfer) and he told his orthopedic surgeon, this is my daughter the nurse practitioner, I felt like he was so very proud of me, as I was of him.  There are so many ways that he influenced me and I am so very grateful that I had him as my father. He gave me strong values, and helped me learn how to make decisions.  I knew right from wrong not just from his corrections but from his examples.  He is still my hero and think about him every day.  I am so thankful that in his last years my husband got to know and appreciate him even more.  During the last five years or so we took on our boat traveling the great circle route with us which he absolutely loved.   He also gave me the love of travel and history.  Boy I'm blessed!!!  Those were precious times.  Cherish your daddy, he's important.  Be the best Daddy you can be.  I'm proud that mine was and he really didn't have a good example, but he came through!!.