The Second Biggest Reason for Divorce and how to avoid it.

Incompatibility is actually a reason people get divorced as in second after infidelity.  That one is confusing to me.  If you are incompatible, how did you get together in the first place?  My friend John Van Epp has spent much of his life studying and teaching about the Relationship Attachment Model.  This particular model has five areas that you should be measuring before you decide to marry someone.  If any of these areas is out of balance, then is this a good match?  You can determine this if you are discerning and not jumping into relationships.

How many of you know of couples that you know from the start are polar opposites.  She's so intelligent and proper and he's more like a thug and no goals whatsoever?  What are their chances of making it?  Yet how many times do we see couples jump before they really know each other.

The first area is Know -  You must know someone before you start trusting them right?  I see relationships that go so fast that neither person really knows the others.  There are times in my relationship with my husband that I find I don't KNOW him that well.  But when we take our time and spend the time in different settings and situations we will see more of that person.  BUT that takes time. How many times do we rush into something that is really a Life decision and we haven't really looked at it from all possible sides.  Makes me think of watching HGTV and Property Virgins.  How easy it is to make the mistake of buying a house that has BIG time problems or one that is way over our budget.  Easy to do...  I tend to like the show and the wisdom that is shared by the Real Estate Agent as she guides the couple in their first home.  Wow! What a great idea for couples!! Isn't that a little like Premarital Counseling?

After ten years of offering premarital education to couples getting married at the court, I have come to

the conclusion that they need someone just like the property virgins need to guide them in their marriage.  Helping couples to look honestly at what the deal breakers are.  I have gotten so many comments from couples saying they have been married before so they don't need to go through the education.  Whenever you put two people together there will be incompatibilities.  The difference is those that learn how to embrace the differences rather than fight them make happier homes.  We are presently working on Marriage Mentors.  I have two wonderful couples that are studying with me and John to help offer mentorships to couples from the courts.  They will be able to encourage them through the tough times as well as the happy times.  Each are trained to see the incompatibilities and teach the couples that they work with how to deal with those areas.  More than anything else how to communicate through the incompatible areas.

I like Larry Burkett's statement that went something like this. "If you have two people just a like then one of those people is not needed."  So much truth.  As I said embracing rather than fighting the differences helps.  If we can help with this Please check out our website.  Our goal is to help our community to thrive with strong families that are based on healthy marriages.  If this is helpful to you would you pass it on... Thanks  www.marriageisforever.org

Here's a great blog that gets into it even better... http://corrieanne.com/2013/07/17/wifey-wednesday-you-never-marry-the-right-person/  Tell me what you think!!

For Better for Worse, In Sickness and In Health, For Richer for poorer till death do us part

For the last two times I've been able to blog I've written about commitment.  To be honest, I was thinking about commitment in respects to adultery, but I think I had a God moment when I was listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio, that commitment is hard when there have been problems with the finances and even with health issues.  I guess that's why the vows will say in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer.  All these things can cause strains on marriages.  When the statistics say that people say that it's money problems, is it really or is it a matter of commitment?

If a spouse lies about how they are spending money and causes the finances to go out of control it must be as hard as when there is infidelity, because there is a loss of trust.  I heard Dave Ramsey tell the story of a couple that were working on getting debt free.  The husband was so excited because he saw an end to the tunnel and was telling everyone that he would get to do the "I'm Debt Free" scream.  But then his wife told him of the problem that she had been hiding from him.  She had been very frightened to admit that she had run up the credit card to $15,000 I think.  The husband was very angry at first and stormed out of the house and drove around for a couple of

hours.  As he drove around his heart was softened and he decided if he was able to get debt free once he could do it again.  When he got home he and his wife sat down and he forgave her they worked out a plan, then moved forward again.  It took him another 18 months before he could do the "Debt Free" scream, but this time it was even more meaningful because they had gone through the tough times and learned how to communicate about their finances better and they felt closer because of it.

Another incident can be when a family loses a child or when a family has a disabled child.  That is extremely stressful for a family.  So much emotional stress, and most don't make it through that.  I remember taking care of children on the oncology floor and watching the families either cling together or drift apart.

I was watching a video from Project Everlasting with Matt Boggs and Jason Miller.  They showed a couple that had been married 67 years.  They asked for the secret to their marriage and she said... "Commitment, commitment, commitment and commitment... then all that other stuff.  I never thought about divorcing him, murder maybe but not divorce."  Here's a little taste of some of those committed couples. Enjoy!!

Top 5 Reasons Marriages Don't Last - Lack of Commitment: People of Character can Choose Duty over Feeling..

Last week I started a blog on the top five reasons marriages don't last.  I was very candid how I maybe had chosen an uncommitted person and that let to the demise of my marriage.  But marriages can fall apart if there is one person that is not committed and you might not even realize they are not committed.   Scott Stanley found in his research about Sliding vs. Deciding that when there is that commitment from both partners, enough to get a marriage license there is a much higher chance that the marriage will make it till Death Do us Part rather than When We Don't Love Each Other Any More.  Lack of commitment is the top reason marriages fall apart, but I want to say that it is the main reason any marriage would fall apart.

I was reading a blog by Michelle Weiner Davis and how she says if you want to get a divorce just
admit it rather than trying to say that it would be better for everyone if we got divorced.  Don't sugar coat or make excuses for making moral choice.  Boy, that's the truth.  As I was listening to a podcast by Randy Roberts from Loma Linda University Church I heard him say something quite profound, "People of Character Can choose duty over feelings".  I might get in trouble for this but I will say it any way.  Even when you are being emotionally abused and feeling so down and hopeless you can choose to stay committed to your marriage.  Wow that's harsh.  What I mean by that, if there is emotional or physical abuse you stay committed to the marriage but don't keep putting yourself in the place of the victim.  Maybe you need to separate for a while or choose to distance yourself from the person and see what you can do differently to change your negative behaviors.  Too many times we rush into divorce before we even try to work the relationship out.  My caution is wait.... take your time till you know you have done everything you can, then take the step.

So many times it seems to be easier just to divorce than to work on the relationship, especially when there is adultery or emotional or physical abuse involved.  In our society today, we seem to think that divorce cures these particular problems, but unfortunately, it doesn't.  Unless someone does some deep work on themselves (and I mean both partners) then they will repeat the problem, even adultery in the same or a different relationship.  It is a well know fact, it takes people being physically abused a minimum of seven times before they are actually ready to leave the abuser, but then how many times when they do leave do they get in a situation that is very similar.  Wouldn't it be better to learn what to do rather than jumping from one relationship to another?

In adultery there are all kinds of excuses for committing adultery, but the person of character will choose duty over feelings and make their relationship work.  I hear the silliest reasons for why a person might leave their husband or wife for another partner such as she just didn't know how to clean house or do the laundry.  He could not give me the attention I needed.  Once you have said "I do" you mean it.  I know of a gentleman that could not live with his wife, so they separated.  He has never divorced her but has continued to live separately for over 25 years.  Don't know if that is really a marriage, but at least neither of them jumped into another relationship and they stay committed to the marriage.

Marriage is hard sometimes, and you have to have the character to stay with it when it gets tough.  We know that couples that stayed married when they felt like getting divorced, were happier than those that chose to divorce.  That goes back to the old saying, "Love is a Choice".  It really is as simple as that.

Lack of Commitment - Biggest Reason for Divorce

Before I get into this topic, let me clarify that all these pictures are of people that to the best of my knowledge are still committed to each other.  But I have been surprised before.  But none of these couples have shown to me that they were anything but committed!!  I also am not trying to point fingers at anyone, we all have choices and With That.....

Commitment, commitment, commitment!!!   After twenty-three years of trying to figure out what went wrong in my first marriage, the only thing I could think of was a lack of commitment. Is there anything I could have done to prevent this?  No, not after I was married.  I am being very candid when I share that I knew that my marriage would fall apart even before it started.  But I was more scared to admit I had made a mistake in the choice of who I married.  I have studied and read and researched how one can prevent your spouse from having an affair and leaving you and there is not really anything YOU can do.  You BOTH have to be committed to the marriage.

The funny thing is, I remember talking to a friend and telling her I knew I would be one of those statistics.  Maybe I was pronouncing my own defeat, I'm not sure.  But six years after I said that I was one of those statistics.  Do I regret marrying him.  I would have be lying if I told you that I don't have some regrets.  But, I look at my two beautiful children and the only regret I have is that they had to go through the rejection that they did not deserve.  I was given the opportunity to grow in a way that I would never have grown if I had not gone through this experience.  It was VERY difficult and there are still some tough times,  but I am still growing.

Approximately nine years ago I met a gentleman, Dr. John Van Epp, that wrote the book, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk.  He has done a lot of study in the RAM (Relationship Attachment Model) and applying it to finding a life partner.  After I read and studied his book, I realized I ignored the warning signs.  I ignored that he was not as committed to me as I was to him.  Have you heard of the movie I think it's called "He's just not into you".  Well, I should have known that was where we were.  But there were other things that were looming that when we are young we try to ignore, such as parents trying to warn us that this is not a good match.  I realize now, since I've become a parent, that we can see things that might not work in a match.  After all we should understand our children pretty good after we have passed on our values and watched them grow.  But so many times, we have those rose colored glasses that cover things up and when we are "IN LOVE" we close our eyes to the problems that could occur.  We as women think we can change them. But I  now realize how foolish I was.
breaking
I wish I could give you a magical formula that would prevent your marriages from breaking up, but I can't.  All I can say, after studying this topic for twenty-three years, you have to be committed yourself and choose wisely before you're married.  It's not a good idea to marry someone that has had multiple affairs with another marriage partner.  They may be a wonderful person, but they have a lack of commitment.  You might want to take a second look if you are dating someone that cannot stay committed to a job,  if they cannot be committed in one area will they be able to commit in other areas?

You might want to be hesitant if you find someone that wants to live with you, but does not want to commit to you for life.  That is usually a huge red flag.  Scott Stanley has studied this and found that this phenomenon is very common, and calls this sliding vs. deciding.  When a couple just kind of falls into living together, there is less likely that the relationship will last because there is lack of commitment.  My heart breaks every day when I see mommy's come in with their newborn babies and they are not in a married relationship.  I don't understand what it is that a piece of paper can make that much difference, but it does.  When two people sign the paper together by their own choice their is a much greater chance a baby will have both his parents in the home.  When they come in with this situation, I can pretty much tell them, he will be gone in three months.   But who wants to hear that at this point in their life?

You might want to be hesitant if you see in their background a family with a pattern of lack of commitment.  Are their parents committed?  Were their grandparents committed?  What is the pattern?  We don't think that two generations makes a difference, but somehow it does.  We know that when parents are divorced there is greater chance that the children will not be committed in their relationships, because that is the pattern that they have seen.

Yes, it takes two and we could go into all kinds of reasons a person might have an affair.  I could go on and on and try to tell you things that you could do to keep your spouse from leaving you.  But the only thing I see that might prevent is to be wise and take a serious wide open eyed look at the person before you commit and determine if  they are as committed to me as I am to them?

Insanity: Doing what we have always done and expecting things to change!! Top Five Causes of Divorce and How This Affects our Community

Recently I quoted that we are seeing a dramatic decrease in our area on the number of teen births.  It is wonderful that this is happening for our community due to the positive things that can happen such as less children in poverty, possibly breaking a cycle that was so strong in our community.  Saving our community and businesses great amounts of money etc.  And these are the reasons or basis for Family Frameworks in our community and its focuses.  It may sound strange that a Marriage Initiative Organization focuses on teen pregnancy results, but we know that stable relationships are usually not (and please note the word usually) the most stable relationships later in life.  We also know that when you prevent teen births you can prevent further poverty which we would like to see, but also prevent that teen from passing this behavior on to their child.  We have learned through the research that there are higher number of teen births where there are not two biological parents in the home.  And the last thing we have noted is that our community has been listed for many many years as having the highest teen births as well as highest divorce per 1000.

So this has told me as a leader in our organization that we first of all need to try to break the cycle of

teen births.  And this means hitting it in many different areas.  We chose to work with the teens first.  They were a captive audience and the curriculum we use made it easy to talk about the choices they make.  We have gotten very positive responses from both the students and teachers on the topics and how we approach these topics.  But what put the icing on the cake was seeing the dramatic decrease in teen births for the Whitfield and Murray Counties, which is greater than surrounding counties.  But I don't want to take this for granted.  We will continue to work in this area but now we need to focus on the families and help them to stabilize with the younger children that are still in their homes so that they learn how to have good relationships and choose good life partners and make the choices that will lead to happy healthy lives.

Well, how do we do this?  When we first began this organization we started by working with the premarital couples.  Teaching them good communication, problem solving and conflict resolution skills.  Which was great, but we slacked off and decreased the amount of information that we would put out to the public on how to keep a strong healthy marriage.  Now it's time to look at where do we need to focus to keep families together before they fall apart.

I wanted to start with why or what are the main reasons why couples

get divorced?  There are several lists and we have all heard some of the reasons, such as infidelity, money or finances, or just growing apart.  I looked into some of the latest studies to see what the latest list might be.  That was a bit challenging.  These have been studied since 1985 and there are all sorts of variables and differences you must consider the greatest is the reasons women divorce compared to why men divorce are different.  We think differently and we don't like to think that we just fit into a box.  I finally chose to go with Paul Amato and Denise Previtti's study from 2003 and see what they found.
Here is the list:
            Men                                                                  Women
1. Infidelity                                                        1. Infidelity
2. Incompatibility                                              2. Incompatibility
3. Lack of Communication                                3. Alcohol, or Drug use
4. Personality Problems                                     4. Grew Apart
5. Grew Apart                                                   5. Physical or Mental Abuse
6. Don't Know                                                  6. Personality Problems

Over the next few weeks I hope to give resource that address these issues and possibly some ways that couples can prevent these from happening.  Please let me know as we go along if this is helpful.

I see,  in my practice way too often children that are suffering in various illnesses both mental and physical that might be prevented if we actually keep the parents together and in a healthy relationship.  Will this be easy?  Not at all, but if we don't start somewhere and stop doing what we always have done then we definitely won't see our community change.

Almost 10 years and we've just started.

It has been a month since I have been able to write.  We have restarted our classes in the schools.  We have hit a record number of volunteer instructors with 16 this year, which gets us closer to our goal of 20 to be able to reach out to Gordon, Catoosa and Walker Counties. I thought it might be helpful to give an explanation of why we are working so hard in the schools and what kind of progress we have made.
When we started the marriage movement in Dalton we thought we were going the right direction when we just started couples out right with premarital education.  That was way back in 2004 (yes, we have almost made 10 year s at this quest!!) After 3 years we realized that we really needed to do a whole lot more and go back just a bit in helping people learn how to choose a partner and how to be a good partner before you start looking.  But we also realized for our community to truly THRIVE we needed to continue the premarital and help those that were already married stay together.  If we didn't what we did in the schools would fall apart because the lack of example in how to have a strong healthy marriage.  So early on in our development we realized we needed to work in all three and possibly four areas of relationships.

Well, we next needed to figure out WHAT we needed to measure to see if our prevention was doing any good.  With the help of all the research that has been done in the past ten years plus the guidance of Georgia Family Council and First Things First we came up with the areas to measure.

        1) The number of marriages.  Were we encouraging strong healthy marriage over cohabitation?

 So we started keeping track of how many marriages, but not only that, but were clergy marrying them or the the judges in the magistrate and probate courts.  At first we found that it was close to 50/50 and realized that this is a problem that we needed to work on.  We got the Courts to start referring their couples getting married to our organization for premarital education so they could receive a discount on their marriage license.  Well, we have seen anywhere from 459 in 2001to 864 in 2003 and 537 in 2012.   Well have we made a difference.  There are several ways to look at this, hopefully there are less getting married because there are more couples choosing to break up or not married, rather than get married and get divorced.  But are there more couples just living together.  Well, we know this is the trend throughout the nation, so this is difficult to determine.  We could get discouraged with these numbers or get busy and get some more work done.  I see it as we have more work to do.  We are fighting a culture that says marriage is bad, you need to live together so you won't get divorced. We need to get out there and let this generation know that living together is not as healthy as marriage. I won't get into all the reasons for that now, but just that we have some more work.

     2) The number of divorces.   This should be obvious.  We want to decrease the divorce rate and
we have.  Maybe not enough and the numbers had a great dip for a couple of years but now it's trending back up again.  In 2001 there were 593 final decrees (actually went through not just filed) and in 2012 506.  So we have seen a decrease. But we would like to see a 30% decrease in this area and this is only a 14% decrease.  So we still have a ways to go.  But we are at least going the right way in both areas.

     3) The number of teen births (15-19 year olds) Research has found that the majority of teen births

are from teens that do not have their two biological parents in the home. This has been a huge problem in our area for many, many years.  We actually started our work with teens in 2007.  If you look at the statistics for teen births in 2007 for Whitfield County you see 292 teen births and in 2011 there were 177.  Here we see a 39% decrease in the number of births.  That's extraordinary.  What's happening that there is such a GREAT difference there?  Well, you will see a downward trend throughout Georgia from 2007 which is FANTASTIC!! But if you look at the counties around us, there is not as grand a decrease, i.e. Gordon County had had 148 teen births in 2007 and decreased to 113 but it was only 23%.  So there is a significant difference in the drop in the counties that we have been working with the teens.  Could there be some other reasons?  Sure, but our work is the biggest difference.

What this tells me is we have to keep going with the Teen Classes in the school, but now we need  to beef up our work with the married crowd.  So for this next year we hope to work on our Date Night portion as well as some other possibilities.  Stay tuned!! This is 10 years and we are not finished yet, we just began!!

A Different Perspective

 At our recent fundraising affair with Bobby Bowden I gained some insight that I really did not think would happen that night.  Kind of a serendipity.  I was getting ready for the evening and getting a little overwhelmed with all that needed to be finished in such a short amount of time so I delegated a task to my husband.  I gave him the task to decorate our table.  I had spent several weeks planning in my head how I wanted to decorate the table and what materials I would use etc...  I gave him all those materials and asked him to put them together.  I don't know what I was thinking, because I did not give him any directions on my thoughts of how I wanted it done.  He

knew that I was overwhelmed at that point and knew better than to ask for details and he thought (I'm sure) that he had this under control.  I assumed he would not do this task at all and would just stick the stuff on the table.  Much to my amusement I saw him working diligently on the table about an hour into the prep time and he had created the above.  Now I will tell you this, it was not what I had envisioned. He had not used the flowers I had bought or the coke bottles that I had also bought.  But, the task was done.  He actually did a very creative design and I was quite impressed.  I then looked around the room at all the other creations and each was very special and unique but was a creation from each person's own perspective.

As I look back on this incident I learned a great lesson or two.  First, I could trust him with a task and he would come through.  Second, we have two different perspectives.  He had all the materials that I had bought but his design was totally different than what I had designed in my head.  His perspective was different, not wrong or right, but different.  He saw a totally different picture than I did.  Each of us views things differently.  We have different histories, and different pictures in our brains, so many times when we disagree it's because we have different perspectives.  We may want to say that it is wrong, but can you really say that?  We have to put ourselves in their shoes or see things from their perspective.  When we can try to see things from another's perspective we can have a better understanding.

I was listening to a podcast today by James McDonald on forgiveness and one point he was making was that when we are forgiving someone we are to be kind and tenderhearted.  I loved how he pointed out what tenderhearted meant.  Tenderhearted means to have a heart for someone else.  That you have their perspective and you embrace and accept their perspective.

When someone does something that might hurt you or does something that you just don't quite get try to see it from their perspective.  Then the thing that I have learned is that you have to find the good in it.  I don't believe people, especially those that love you and care for you want the worst for you.  Say to yourself "what were they thinking?" When you do you will have a much easier time being kind and tenderhearted.